The Glory Has Departed

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Ichaslang Lexicon

Someone has requested explanations for neologisms (new words) found on Ichabod, suggesting the term Ichaslang, which is yet another neologism.

Bi-sectsual is a term for services that claim to blend Lutheran and Babtist worship.

GA - is not a term I invented. The initials stand for Gemuetlicher Abend (friendly evening), but GA is a week of hazing. WELS claims it has stopped, but it is still going on secretly, among the few who preserve its sacred character. GA starts with lying about whether there will be GA, which is inflicted on first-year students. Hazing has been universally practiced in WELS schools, so this is not new for most students. GA is full of deception and scare tactics. Most of the present ministerium went through GA. They are forbidden to tell its secrets, even to their wives. Anyone who knows or tells is punished. Anyone who objects to GA is pushed out of WELS or punished.

Blogicide - When someone like Tim Glende creates a Chicanery blog and erases it, he is said to have committed blogicide.

Gurgle - Ex-SP Gurgel has been renamed by a WELS pastor. Gurgle stands for the noise WELS was making as it went down the drain during his administration. He did the same thing as a District Pope, despoiling the MilCraft Estate. Gurgle did even more damage as SP, using up the Schwan loot and going after all the designated funds. He now works as Dom Perignon Patterson's campaign manager.

Anonymouse - Two people (approximately) are Anonymouse. One was Tim Glende, who even named a blog Anonymouse, before erasing it, creating blogicide. Another Mouse is a very nasty ELCA pastor whose invective is a constant source of amusement and inspiration.

Babtist - There are two types of Baptists, as someone explained at Wheaton College. "There are Baptists, and Ba-a-a-a-btists." The Southern and more conservative ones will often call themselves B-a-a-a-abtists, so I use that term for Brother Ed Stetzer and Brother Andy Stanley, both adored by the members of Church and Chicanery.

Dom Perignon Patterson. The Central Southeran Babtist District of WELS has been influenced by Patterson, who earned his nickname from livin' high off the hog while applying for synod subsidies.

Forward in Confusion - The Northwestern Lutheran was renamed Forward in Christ to get rid of the odious name Lutheran. WELS pastors have nicknamed it Forward in Confusion because the magazine obviously promotes the anti-Lutheran Church and Chicanery bunch while pretending to be Lutheran. Also known as: Forward in Chicanery. Now that Lutheran has finally been added to the cover page, the magazine is known as FICL or FICKLE.

Ichapeek - when you have to get one last quick look at Ichabod before going to bed. From Mrs. Joe Krohn.

Ichawidow - when your husband spends too much time on Ichabod. From Mrs. Joe Krohn, Ichawidow.

Immersing Churches. The Emerging Churches are just another name for ChurchGrowthy churches. They are Immersing Churches because most of them are Babtist or Pentecostal.

To Kilcrease
[v. kill-krees-e; n. kill-krees] verb, -creased, -creas·ing,  noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to eliminate; to remove evidence of,  confession, opinion, or error; decrease; take away from: to kilcrease the  evidence.

Scholars are divided, but some think the word began to be used when a Roman Catholic adjunct instructor started erasing his own blog posts and comments.

Brett Meyer, Assistant Lexicographer. Daniel Baker, Contributing Lexicographer.

The Love Shack - WELS headquarters: so named because the Church Growth people talk about love all the time but show so little, unless they are talking about Fuller Seminary, Trinity in Deerfield, Willow Creek, or Leonard Sweet. This has been renamed The Guilt Factory, because everyone should feel guilty for not doing more to prop up the salaries of the residents there. Since the Love Shack is moving to Pewaukee, the newly approved name will be PU Towers - for Pewaukee Universalist.

The Sausage Factory - The Evangelical Lutheran Synod has nicknamed the WELS seminary this because all the graduates come out looking exactly the same. That sameness is actually a goal of the school.

Church and Chicanery - The Church and Change organization in WELS is the somewhat stealthy faction running The Love Shack, The Sausage Factory, and FIC. Thy bow the knee to Leonard Sweet, New Age Professor of Wikiletics, so they are Sweet-hearts. They also love Brother Stetzer as much as he loves food. Luther, they know little about - and what they do know, they despise.

To Knapp - Borrowing double-justification from George Christian Knapp. Hence the Syn Conference has been caught knapping.

To kelm or to parlow: copying another parson's sermons and taking credit for them. In the Patterson Circuit, a copied sermon is called a doebler. Kelming and parlowing are often followed by large but undeserved grants. A doebler is always backed by rock music and disappointing grant allotments.

To Krohn - To encourage someone to write a letter or meet with a pastor to discuss doctrine, the first step in excommunicating a person who actually follows that advice. Because of the Appleton incident, which was almost identical, this term is considered synonymous with Rick-Rolling.

Kudu Don Patterson - Kudu Don was going by the nickname Gunga Don until I read his email calling me a fool and a liar. His email name is Kudu Don, apparently inspired by a wild deer he loves to hunt in Africa. That does sound better than Zebra Don. Left unexplained is how he can hunt animals in Africa and beg the synod for a grant to pay the vicar each year. Kudu Don took a passle of WELS guys to see Babtist Ed Stetzer at the Exponential Conference.

Mary Lou College is the place where Church and Chicaneries have a field day. It used to be called Martin Luther College, but that is hardly appropriate. Before that, it was Dr. Martin Luther College, nicknamed Dumb Man's Last Chance, for those men who decided teaching parochial school was easier than all that Greek and Hebrew.

Perish Consultants - The Wisconsin Synod pimps parish consultants out to congregations. These Fuller-trained consultants tell churches to start modern worship, etc. These inept leaders are killing congregations, so they are aptly named Perish Consultants. They work under the banner of the gold-plated, high living Board of Perish Services. BPS = Church and Chicanery = Fuller/Willow Creek/Sweet/Stetzer/Emerging Church.

Popcornites - They are a sect within the Wisconsin Sect. They organize their entertainment sessions around popcorn, soda, snacks, and latte - all served during church. If you enjoy hearing popcorn munched during the Prayer of the Church and sode slurped during the Groeschel sermon, you are a Popcornite.

Rick-Rolling - Not to be confused with the April Fool's joke. Rick-Rolling is the process of encouraging someone to write a letter to and meet with those WELS clergy who are promoting false doctrine, plagiarism, and deception. This is better than April's Fool, because the Doctrinal Pussycat ducks the meeting and leaves a letter blaming Ichabod for the mess he has created. Next the pastors excommunicate the member who followed WELS advice and the DP agrees. Rick-Rolling is jolly good fun for the rollers but not for the rollee. Synonymous with Krohning someone.

The Little Sect on the Prairie - The Little House on the Prairie was situated in Minnesota, so the tiny group of Lutherans in the Evangelical Lutheran Synod deserve a similar name.

The Little Schoolhouse on the Prairie - Bethany Lutheran College and Seminary are small, in spite of the large dollops of money from Marvin Schwan.

Pope John the Malefactor - ELS President John Moldstad starting behaving better after we lost count of how often he extended the Left Foot of Fellowship to pastors and congregations. When people questioned his qualifications to teach New Testament at the Little School on the Prairie, he hastened to finish his college degree. They have standards to uphold.

The Left Foot of Fellowship - When a pastor or congregation is kicked out of a synod, it is called extending the Left Foot of Fellowship.

Rydeckied - When the District President promises the congregation to continue discussing doctrine and suspends the pastor instead, that pastor is considered Rydeckied. WELS often extends the Left Foot of Fellowship, but when the action is especially duplicitous, it is considered a Rydecki.

St. Marvin of Schwan - The late donor and owner of Schwan Frozen Foods has been preached into heaven by the bagmen of three synods (WELS, ELS, LCMS). Somehow Marvin Schwan managed to bankrupt all three while giving away so much money after his death. His second wife went back to the Church of Rome, suggesting that money is efficacious in converting people.

Stealth Pastors, Stealth Churches - When pastors and congregations refuse to use the name Lutheran, they deserve the appellation of stealth. They lust for loot from their synods, but they want to fly under the radar in their own communities. They call that witnessing. Paul Kuske started the first stealth congregation in Columbus - Pilgrim Community Church. Attendance climbed to 3 (three), approximately the size of the Church Growth staff.

Stealth Organizations - When one unit within a synod drops the name Lutheran, it earns the stealth title. WELS has dropped Lutheran from the magazine title, the hymnal, Lutherans For Life, and other entities. Stand back and watch it grow!

The Surrendered Fort - Graduates of Concordia, Ft. Wayne enjoy calling it The Fort, but that school has waved the white flag in the face of Eastern Orthodoxism and Roman Catholicism. If the graduates do not join the Willow Creek army, they pope or semi-pope. Poping is an old term for joining the Roman Catholics. Semi-poping is for those who want the incense without the baggage.

Our Lady of Sorrows - Concordia, St. Louis, is just as anxious as The Fort (sic) to send young men to Rome and Eastern Orthodoxy. Two clues about their ultimate exits are a nauseating obsession with clerical garments and an unholy obsession with the Virgin Mary. St. Louis also produces Church Growth experts like Paul Kelm (DMin, Our Lady of Sorrows).

Safe Sects - The Church Growth drones argue that they can safely nestle among the despisers of the Mean of Grace. The gurus are just experimenting with safe sects.
Tim Feltneeds - At Bailing Water, Tim Niedfelt is always promoting his Church Growth ideas, which began in WELS under the name of "felt needs." Someone suggested the nickname of Tim Feltneeds, who is a follower of the Rock and Roll blog. Surprise?

Staph Ministry is a program headed by Lawrence Otto Olson (Our Staph Infection) to spread Fuller doctrine and the ordination of women in WELS. This contagion has grown to a large number of people, proving how infectious Church Growth can be.

- When a toxic group or congregation has a website, it becomes a websty. Example: Church and Chicanery has its own websty.

Some Church and Chicanery congregations are:

  1. Rock and Roll Lutheran - with its own apologetic blog.
  2. Latte Lutheran, featuring the first woman pastor in WELS.
  3. CrossWalk, in Phoenix, Arid-zona. The city needed another WELS church, another Church Growth church, another stealth church.
  4. CrossRoads - now Evangelical Covenant, but started by WELS DP Robert Mueller and VP Paul Kuske, and three WELS pastors - Rick Miller, Kelly Voigt, and Mark Freier.
  5. CrossRoads, Chicago has a pastor who knelt at the feet of Leonard Sweet even before C and C had their Leonard Sweet conference.


    Church and Chicaneries speak with forked tongues, so their words need translation. Their terms are listed below, reverently posted in red, followed by their real meaning:

    Outreach - Sheep-stealing from other congregations.

    Excellent Worship - Entertainment by a Praise Band.

    Praise Band - Members of various denominations who want to perform in a Lutheran church.

    Ichabod! - Our funds are being cut.

    Violating the Eighth Commandment - Publishing our false doctrine.

    Violating Matthew 18 - Failure to speak privately to us about our public sins, because we need time to trash the speaker before anyone pays attention to him.

    Church Consultant - Fuller Seminary graduate.

    Mission Counselor - Fuller Seminary graduate.

    Seminary Professor - Fuller Seminary graduate.

    Staff Ministry - Finding a way to ordain women.

    WELS Prayer Institute - A place for Chicaneries to hide in case Church and Change is shut down.

    Foundation Grants - The lifeblood of C and C.

    Thrivent Grants - The lifeblood of C and C.

    Synod Subsidies - The lifeblood of C and C.

    Stewardship - Arranging for various funds to keep us going because we hate to give.

    Totally Awesome Worship Leader - Andy Stanley, Craig Groeschel, Marc Driscoll, etc.

    Baby Blue Eyes sees nothing wrong, and if it is wrong, it's harmless.
    Baby Blue Eyes will cry if Holy Mother Synod is criticized.

    Ichabodians know that the Chicaneries never tell the truth - they even deny belonging to Church and Change. Their hearts and minds are wrapped around Fuller, Willow Creek, Granger, NorthPoint, Exponential, Trinity Deerfield, and Leonard Sweet, but "they are not Changers." Ask Vicar Gurgle, whose dad at Mequon posted Chicanery diatribe on the Church and Change listserve.

    Ask Kudu Don Patterson, who led a Bible study of sorts at a Church and Chicanery conference.

    The Baby Blue Eyes are a different breed, easily exploited by the Shrinkers. Holy Mother WELS can do not wrong, so there must be something terribly evil about anyone who suggests otherwise.

    All the false teachers are "nice guys." How could a classmate be wrong about anything?

    Worse, they are relatives. Blood is thicker than doctrine in all denominations. For instance, I wondered how Pope John the Malefactor (Little Sect on the Prairie) could stay in office. Then I read that someone named Moldstad helped found the ELS. Case closed.