This is my story of surviving extensive clergy sexual exploitation & sexual abuse at the hands of a long-time WELS Lutheran pastor which ultimately destroyed my faith and soul. My purpose in writing is so people will not only better understand the early warning signs to prevent it, but also the devastating affect that it has on the woman. I will share how it started, progressed, the red flags that everyone missed, why it's so critical to catch early, and how it destroyed me emotionally & spiritually. The specific details, however, that took place, as it escalated, are too painful to reveal especially since many took place inside the church itself.
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Sunday, August 10, 2014
Why I Tell My Story
This is my story of surviving extensive clergy sexual exploitation & sexual abuse at the hands of a long-time WELS Lutheran pastor which ultimately destroyed my faith and soul. My purpose in writing is so people will not only better understand the early warning signs to prevent it, but also the devastating affect that it has on the woman. I will share how it started, progressed, the red flags that everyone missed, why it's so critical to catch early, and how it destroyed me emotionally & spiritually. The specific details, however, that took place, as it escalated, are too painful to reveal especially since many took place inside the church itself.
For years I lived under the lie of this pastor. I dutifully and faithfully kept his secret. By revealing the trauma I endured as a result of that lie, is the only way change will occur for other victims. I lost years of my life that I can never recover and my shame is indescribable. If just one person had recognized the red flags along the way it would have saved me years of spiritual death.
Hurt, pain and shame should not be the “monsters” a woman faces when she looks to her pastor for counseling. He is a person that the woman has learned to look up to and trust. Someone she believed would never hurt her. Clergy sexual exploitation creates overwhelming stress in victims and because of the risk and anxiety involved, that stress often becomes traumatic. In any other traumatic event in a person's life, one turns to the church for support but in this situation the church is the last place the woman wants to go for support. Since part of coping with trauma is spiritual, sexual abuse by aspiritual leader further complicates the recovery process.
Pornography was introduced into the scenario early on and I want to show how that escalated with someone he was counseling. To help with why that is so important, I want to begin with some Synod statistics because according to Andrew Ewald’s 2013-04-16 Senior Thesis at Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary, statistics demonstrate a rise in pornography usage among clergy. His recent interview with a WELS district president revealed that 30% of all resignations within his district were cited as “for cause.” Ten percent of those resignations have been directly related to the use of internet pornography. The same district president noted a growing trend of internet pornography usage among WELS clergy. Arizona-California WELS Report of District Presidents COP policy also reports a growing concern about called workers succumbing to the temptation to view pornographic material.
In fact, pastors engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with their parishioners or counsels--is also more prevalent than is commonly supposed in all religions. While most would acknowledge its existence many do not believe it could happen “in my church.” But according to research by Baylor University School’s National Study of “Clergy Sexual Misconduct with Adults”, 7 women in every congregation of 400 adults have been victims of clergy sexual misconduct. The study, which was conducted on more than 3,500 adults, is the largest scientific study into clergy sexual misconduct. The abuse, however, often is seen by parishioners and denominational executives as something else--a problem with alcohol, for example, or an emotional or relationship problem of the pastor or the parishioner, or a parish conflict.
References:
For years I lived under the lie of this pastor. I dutifully and faithfully kept his secret. By revealing the trauma I endured as a result of that lie, is the only way change will occur for other victims. I lost years of my life that I can never recover and my shame is indescribable. If just one person had recognized the red flags along the way it would have saved me years of spiritual death.
Hurt, pain and shame should not be the “monsters” a woman faces when she looks to her pastor for counseling. He is a person that the woman has learned to look up to and trust. Someone she believed would never hurt her. Clergy sexual exploitation creates overwhelming stress in victims and because of the risk and anxiety involved, that stress often becomes traumatic. In any other traumatic event in a person's life, one turns to the church for support but in this situation the church is the last place the woman wants to go for support. Since part of coping with trauma is spiritual, sexual abuse by aspiritual leader further complicates the recovery process.
Pornography was introduced into the scenario early on and I want to show how that escalated with someone he was counseling. To help with why that is so important, I want to begin with some Synod statistics because according to Andrew Ewald’s 2013-04-16 Senior Thesis at Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary, statistics demonstrate a rise in pornography usage among clergy. His recent interview with a WELS district president revealed that 30% of all resignations within his district were cited as “for cause.” Ten percent of those resignations have been directly related to the use of internet pornography. The same district president noted a growing trend of internet pornography usage among WELS clergy. Arizona-California WELS Report of District Presidents COP policy also reports a growing concern about called workers succumbing to the temptation to view pornographic material.
In fact, pastors engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with their parishioners or counsels--is also more prevalent than is commonly supposed in all religions. While most would acknowledge its existence many do not believe it could happen “in my church.” But according to research by Baylor University School’s National Study of “Clergy Sexual Misconduct with Adults”, 7 women in every congregation of 400 adults have been victims of clergy sexual misconduct. The study, which was conducted on more than 3,500 adults, is the largest scientific study into clergy sexual misconduct. The abuse, however, often is seen by parishioners and denominational executives as something else--a problem with alcohol, for example, or an emotional or relationship problem of the pastor or the parishioner, or a parish conflict.
References:
Crafting an Effective Mentoring Program for Pastors Struggling with Internet Pornography in View of Psychology and Scripture
Baylor Sexual Misconduct Survey
Baylor Sexual Misconduct Survey
Monday, August 11, 2014
Clergy Predators
Clergy predators are incredible manipulators they have their congregants believing they are holy, trustworthy, righteous, upstanding, chosen men of God. They are frequently charming, charismatic, sensitive, talented, and inspirational. Because the real dynamic is power & control, not sex, they are also perceived as having strong leadership.
Each of those points describes the offending pastor in my situation perfectly as to how he presented himself to others. This is also why it was easy for me to get “sucked in” and not trust my instincts. It never dawned on me that this would happen. I trusted him after all he was my pastor. But in reality everything they do and say is an act. How many times have we heard, "But he is such a good pastor."? They are "good" pastors in the public eye; that is how they can get away with what they do.
No one will suspect, no one will accuse, no one will believe. The trust does not have to be earned like with a neighbor, co-worker, or friend. The trust is already established because these men are "chosen" men of God. When a pastor acts inappropriately in a culture that doesn’t understand clergy sexual misconduct, it makes observers mistrust their own judgment, particularly since the behavior was committed by a trusted leader. First indicators are thus ignored by church members, leaders, family, friends, and victims.
I missed all the first indicators myself. I never saw it coming… until it was too late. I thought I must be imagining it because I was upset and not thinking clearly during the counseling sessions. I talked myself out of being concerned; thinking I’m just too distraught and stressed. I told myself… “Don’t be stupid this is your pastor. He’s married with kids why would he do anything like that”… and then I would feel stupid for even thinking it and pushed those thoughts down - telling myself that I had an over-active imagination and therefore ignored all the early signs.
Each of those points describes the offending pastor in my situation perfectly as to how he presented himself to others. This is also why it was easy for me to get “sucked in” and not trust my instincts. It never dawned on me that this would happen. I trusted him after all he was my pastor. But in reality everything they do and say is an act. How many times have we heard, "But he is such a good pastor."? They are "good" pastors in the public eye; that is how they can get away with what they do.
No one will suspect, no one will accuse, no one will believe. The trust does not have to be earned like with a neighbor, co-worker, or friend. The trust is already established because these men are "chosen" men of God. When a pastor acts inappropriately in a culture that doesn’t understand clergy sexual misconduct, it makes observers mistrust their own judgment, particularly since the behavior was committed by a trusted leader. First indicators are thus ignored by church members, leaders, family, friends, and victims.
I missed all the first indicators myself. I never saw it coming… until it was too late. I thought I must be imagining it because I was upset and not thinking clearly during the counseling sessions. I talked myself out of being concerned; thinking I’m just too distraught and stressed. I told myself… “Don’t be stupid this is your pastor. He’s married with kids why would he do anything like that”… and then I would feel stupid for even thinking it and pushed those thoughts down - telling myself that I had an over-active imagination and therefore ignored all the early signs.
Congregations are considered -safe places- where normal self-protection is not necessary. Because of this, women share private and intimate information with pastors that they would not share with others. Once he gets to "know" the victim, and sees where the vulnerability is, he may offer his “help” through "counseling." That is why in many cases of clergy sexual abuse, the victim believes she was seeing the clergyman for “counseling.” By doing this, the pastor is able to get his victims alone behind closed doors. Once behind closed doors, the victim is even more vulnerable, even though she may not realize it.
In my situation, after I told him what was happening at home, he encouraged me to come in for counseling. I started counseling then because I was in an abusive relationship at home and came to him extremely depressed and afraid. I was to the point of taking my kids and running away, I was so afraid. I sought the help of my pastor in a time of crises, and he used my vulnerability and weakness as an opportunity. Now, I find it disturbing for him to have exploited that vulnerability but I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was so emotionally “strung out” from the stress at home that the thought of that happening never entered my mind. I wish it had.
This makes it easy for the manipulative clergy perpetrator to foster a climate of secrets, gossip and an inner circle of friends while convincing others that he is caring and will go out of the way to help others. As a result, this causes members of the congregation to disregard warning signs, because it is hard to believe that the pastor they have come to know and admire would do something so harmful.
The pastor in my situation had an inner circle of friends consisting primarily of congregational leaders. They had drinks together after meetings, went out to eat, and socialized on their off time. I think that’s why they missed so many “red flags”; after all, this was their “friend” and pastor. They weren’t looking for signs that the pastor they socialized with was exploiting a woman that he was counseling. I’m sure it never even crossed their minds. American culture expects people to be "nice" to one another and give the benefit of the doubt particularly in a congregation.
References:
Educating to End Abuse
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastor Sexual Abuse
Sharon's Rose: Understanding Clergy Sexual Abuse
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Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The First Touch
In most cases the initial contact seems insignificant and there is no fear felt within the victim – hugs, pats on the back, perhaps even an arm around the shoulder. Many times those initial contacts are so subtle the victim doesn't even realize what is happening. I still vividly remember the very first touch. It was a pat on the shoulder and I thought nothing of it. The “pats” got longer and eventually turned into an arm around the shoulder when I was crying in his office during a counseling session. As his moves got bolder, they also increased in frequency. Small incidental touches became more intimate. The thought that he would actually do something inappropriate though was the last thing on my mind, so I convinced myself that I was imagining it and blamed it on depression. There MUST be another explanation… my pastor would never do that. I would feel stupid for even thinking that he would; after all he was a conservative Lutheran pastor and that alone made it impossible for me to even fathom that he would behave like that. WELS is the one of the most conservative Lutheran churches around. It just wasn’t possible that he would do that. There had to be a reasonable explanation…like my mind was going crazy.If you feel uncomfortable, your boundaries are probably being crossed. The first time I felt uncomfortable was very early on in the counseling sessions. I was crying and telling him about a rough physical time with my abusive husband that happened to have taken place during sex. I tried to minimize the sex aspect because I felt awkward talking to him about that. But he spent more time asking about the intimate details of the sexual encounter than providing comfort with God’s Word, which at thattime, I still desperately wanted.The more I tried to gloss over it, the more persistent he became pressuring me for intimate details. I was so uncomfortable. To this day, I still clearly remember feeling like he was getting his thrills on the details and desperately wishing he would provide comfort instead. I tried to end the session as fast as I could because it felt too awkward. I left thinking I would never go back. But then I started second-guessing myself again - especially when things were bad at home - maybe I did imagine it because I was upset. Maybe it wasn’t like I thought. After all this was my pastor, he wouldn’t really do that. My mind was in such a depressed state from life at home, that I found myself thinking that I was uncomfortable because he was a man in general and not because he acted inappropriately. I rationalized everything.Therefore, once again, I blamed it on an over-active imagination, depression, and not thinking clearly. Then things went from bad to worse at home. My kids and I would spend long hours parked in our van at a Target parking lot because I had nowhere to go and was too afraid to go home. We would suck on icicles to quench the hunger because we had no food. I was desperate and afraid so I found myself going back to him because I so desperately needed God’s comfort. Little did I know the magnitude of shame that was about to unfold by making that decision…
Posted by Lillian Armstrong at 8:42 PM
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Wednesday, August 13, 2014
The Grooming Process
The grooming process may take weeks, months, or years, depending on the woman's vulnerability. The pastor gets to know the woman extremely well by building a relationship with the woman and gaining her trust, making sure the woman will keep the secret and sending the message that the pastor is committed to the well-being of the victim. During this time the woman becomes dependent on the pastor.
Over the weeks and months, I became more and more dependent on him because he readily gave me food gift cards so the kids and I could eat. I would be extremely hungry and found myself going back for another counseling session just so we could eat. He knew how hungry we were, and how desperately I wanted to feed my children, therefore, many times, he used that knowledge to entice me back. I felt dirty going to counseling just so I could get a food certificate. This is when the shame started setting in. It felt like I was selling my soul for food. And with every visit the dependency grew. Hunger always seemed to win and kept me returning. I remember trying hard NOT to be hungry so I could resist going back. Hunger has power. Providing for your children has power.
As perpetrators are building deceptive trust, they also work to isolate the woman both physically and emotionally from their support network.
As this was happening to me, once again, I didn’t see it unfolding. It was so subtle that I completely missed it. There was another pastor there also, and the pastor in my situation kept putting the thought in my head that I couldn’t trust the other pastor. He wasn’t somebody that I could talk to and he wouldn’t care. I actually found myself beingafraid of the other pastor and feeling that I could trust no other pastor because, as he told me repeatedly, he was the only one who really knew me and could help.
When other staff members saw me upset over things at home and asked him about me; he always told them that he had it under control and not to talk to me or it would upset me. At the time, I was grateful for that because he had me so afraid of trusting anyone else. I actually thought he was doing me a favor by isolating and shielding me from everyone else. After all, he was my pastor and I thought it was a pastor's job to help people not harm them. Therefore, I assumed that he would have my best interest in mind, so I never questioned it. I will never have that blind trust again. I no longer trust my instincts or people. I was fooled once and I'm not going to let it happen again. Trust is a huge issue for me now. I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, the number of people in the world that I trust. I just don't. The risk is too great.
Once the perpetrator feels the woman trusts him, he will make his inappropriate moves. This, of course, traumatizes the victim. There should never be any touching —even “accidental” touching—this includes hugging, arms around shoulder, hand holding, sexual touch, caressing, fondling, kissing, etc., in counseling. As soon as the manipulation starts the boundaries begin to be crossed. The woman becomes confused, and will question the perpetrator (who rationalizes what is going on), which leaves the victim emotionally and psychologically helpless to get out of the situation. As the assaults become more sexual, the power and control over the victim increases and can become exploitative or inappropriately intimate. By the time the woman realizes what is going on, the feeling of responsibility and guilt is so overwhelming she doesn't know what to do and many times does nothing.
By the time, I was sure that I wasn’t imagining his “advances” and they weren’t innocent or accidental, it was way too late. I was overwhelmed with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, that consumed me. I had been foolish enough to believe what was being said by this “Man of God” and fell victim. I saw no way out. Who would believe me over him? Who could I trust to tell? I felt alone, suicidal, and filled with shame.
At its peak, the victim is isolated, frightened and confused about her emotional health.
I was made to feel part of the abuse and I totally believed it. That alone filled me with tremendous shame. He had me isolated and afraid of all other pastors and staff, so I couldn't tell anyone because of my tremendous fear. I wanted to die. Oh, how I wanted to die. I was trapped. I was alone. I was afraid to say anything. My life was becoming hopeless. I dreamed of death.
Over the weeks and months, I became more and more dependent on him because he readily gave me food gift cards so the kids and I could eat. I would be extremely hungry and found myself going back for another counseling session just so we could eat. He knew how hungry we were, and how desperately I wanted to feed my children, therefore, many times, he used that knowledge to entice me back. I felt dirty going to counseling just so I could get a food certificate. This is when the shame started setting in. It felt like I was selling my soul for food. And with every visit the dependency grew. Hunger always seemed to win and kept me returning. I remember trying hard NOT to be hungry so I could resist going back. Hunger has power. Providing for your children has power.
As perpetrators are building deceptive trust, they also work to isolate the woman both physically and emotionally from their support network.
As this was happening to me, once again, I didn’t see it unfolding. It was so subtle that I completely missed it. There was another pastor there also, and the pastor in my situation kept putting the thought in my head that I couldn’t trust the other pastor. He wasn’t somebody that I could talk to and he wouldn’t care. I actually found myself beingafraid of the other pastor and feeling that I could trust no other pastor because, as he told me repeatedly, he was the only one who really knew me and could help.
When other staff members saw me upset over things at home and asked him about me; he always told them that he had it under control and not to talk to me or it would upset me. At the time, I was grateful for that because he had me so afraid of trusting anyone else. I actually thought he was doing me a favor by isolating and shielding me from everyone else. After all, he was my pastor and I thought it was a pastor's job to help people not harm them. Therefore, I assumed that he would have my best interest in mind, so I never questioned it. I will never have that blind trust again. I no longer trust my instincts or people. I was fooled once and I'm not going to let it happen again. Trust is a huge issue for me now. I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, the number of people in the world that I trust. I just don't. The risk is too great.
Once the perpetrator feels the woman trusts him, he will make his inappropriate moves. This, of course, traumatizes the victim. There should never be any touching —even “accidental” touching—this includes hugging, arms around shoulder, hand holding, sexual touch, caressing, fondling, kissing, etc., in counseling. As soon as the manipulation starts the boundaries begin to be crossed. The woman becomes confused, and will question the perpetrator (who rationalizes what is going on), which leaves the victim emotionally and psychologically helpless to get out of the situation. As the assaults become more sexual, the power and control over the victim increases and can become exploitative or inappropriately intimate. By the time the woman realizes what is going on, the feeling of responsibility and guilt is so overwhelming she doesn't know what to do and many times does nothing.
By the time, I was sure that I wasn’t imagining his “advances” and they weren’t innocent or accidental, it was way too late. I was overwhelmed with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, that consumed me. I had been foolish enough to believe what was being said by this “Man of God” and fell victim. I saw no way out. Who would believe me over him? Who could I trust to tell? I felt alone, suicidal, and filled with shame.
At its peak, the victim is isolated, frightened and confused about her emotional health.
I was made to feel part of the abuse and I totally believed it. That alone filled me with tremendous shame. He had me isolated and afraid of all other pastors and staff, so I couldn't tell anyone because of my tremendous fear. I wanted to die. Oh, how I wanted to die. I was trapped. I was alone. I was afraid to say anything. My life was becoming hopeless. I dreamed of death.
Posted by Lillian Armstrong at 11:28 PM
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Thursday, August 14, 2014
Loss of Faith
I lost every ounce of faith I once had—or rather it felt as if my faith was “blown up” by a bomb. I needed answers to my questions before I could start to trust God again. Questions like: Why God didn’t do something about it? Wasn’t it his church? Wasn’t God supposed to be in charge? Didn’t God care?
I was too angry and hurt to even pray. I wanted nothing to do with God. God was evil. Somewhere along the way, God and this pastor became interchangeable in my mind. I still struggle with that to this day trying to separate him and God.
That’s because the clergy perpetrator represents God to many victims. It’s as if Godhimself did the abuse and the betrayal is seen as God-directed. A pastor is someone who was in a position of “power”… a minister serving with authority from God. This is a man that God has chosen to be a shepherd to His people and would never hurt God’s people or lead them in the wrong direction. Women struggle with - if this "holy man of God" went astray then she must have done something in order for this to happen. In some sense the minister carries ultimate spiritual authority, particularly in the eyes of a trusting parishioner who looks to him for spiritual guidance and support.
In Carolyn Waterstradt's, MA, LLMSW, CAADC research with female survivors of clergy sexual assault, all of the eighteen women she interviewed suffered spirituality after their assault. However, the women reported two different paths of healing. Some remained in the tradition of their faith and others did not. Of those who remained in their religion, two variables needed to be present. First, a clergyperson had to be supportive of their healing. Second, they found a safe congregation in which to heal. Safe refers to a congregation where the survivors were accepted and could talk about the abuse if they chose without being shamed or asked to leave. Those who were unable to find a supportive clergyperson and a safe congregation tended to leave their traditional faith.
I was too angry and hurt to even pray. I wanted nothing to do with God. God was evil. Somewhere along the way, God and this pastor became interchangeable in my mind. I still struggle with that to this day trying to separate him and God.
That’s because the clergy perpetrator represents God to many victims. It’s as if Godhimself did the abuse and the betrayal is seen as God-directed. A pastor is someone who was in a position of “power”… a minister serving with authority from God. This is a man that God has chosen to be a shepherd to His people and would never hurt God’s people or lead them in the wrong direction. Women struggle with - if this "holy man of God" went astray then she must have done something in order for this to happen. In some sense the minister carries ultimate spiritual authority, particularly in the eyes of a trusting parishioner who looks to him for spiritual guidance and support.
In Carolyn Waterstradt's, MA, LLMSW, CAADC research with female survivors of clergy sexual assault, all of the eighteen women she interviewed suffered spirituality after their assault. However, the women reported two different paths of healing. Some remained in the tradition of their faith and others did not. Of those who remained in their religion, two variables needed to be present. First, a clergyperson had to be supportive of their healing. Second, they found a safe congregation in which to heal. Safe refers to a congregation where the survivors were accepted and could talk about the abuse if they chose without being shamed or asked to leave. Those who were unable to find a supportive clergyperson and a safe congregation tended to leave their traditional faith.
Carolyn Waterstradt goes on to say that the disconnection from their spiritual selves causes survivors to erroneously label themselves atheists. Almost all the women seemed to initially go through a period of questioning or atheism. This period of atheism was distressing to the women because unlike people who are raised or choose atheism as a belief system, clergy sexual abuse survivors had experienced sincere belief and faith in the God prior to their traumatic circumstances that impaired their ability to connect spiritually. Because “atheism” was not an intellectual choice it is not truly atheism but rather a stage in the healing process.
This stage of atheism can best be understood by reviewing the criteria for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is a common diagnosis for survivors.
a. Negative beliefs: “I’ll never get over this.” “People in the church can’t be trusted.” “Life is meaningless.” “There is no God.”
b. Blaming oneself for the abuse: “I never should have counseled with him.” “I should have been able to stop him.”
c. Persistent guilt, shame, bewilderment, or other negative emotions
d. Diminished interest in activities that once were enjoyed such as taking part in congregational activities
e. Feelings of detachment or estrangement: from one’s congregation, one’s faith tradition
The negative alterations are exacerbated if the congregation or denomination blame and shame the victim or collude with the perpetrator.
I was obsessed with finding a religion that was as opposite from WELS and Lutheran that I could get. I wanted to find a religion that had pastors you could trust. I explored everything from Buddhism to Scientology to Mormon and then some. When none of them seemed any safer, I went even more extreme, and probably the most dangerous to my soul, and started surrounding myself with thoughts of hell, pro-suicide, and Satan.
Other staff members and leaders noticed that I no longer went to church or took communion and that I was exploring other religions. They asked the offending pastor and he said he had it “under control”. I dropped hints like crazy hoping someone would pick up on it because I was too afraid to actually tell someone what was happening. But no one did. And what everyone failed to ask him was…if he had it under control…then why was I going backwards in his care? Why was I moving further away from God?
References:
Carolyn Waterstradt Clergy Sexual Abuse
Understanding Clergy Sexual Abuse
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Saturday, August 16, 2014
Lies & Deception
These relationships are often built on secrets, gradually creating a situation where the abuse may become sexual. The woman should not be made to feel that her conversations with the pastor are “just between the two of them” and not for discussion with her spouse, friend, etc. Offending Pastors will use this secrecy as a way to draw you in, to exclude others and to avoid accountability.
He told me frequently that my husband didn’t care about me the way he did so don’t tell him about the counseling sessions; I should trust him instead because he would never "hurt" me the way my husband did. He wanted to show me how to "feel good" and confided that when he was stressed he used porn to make himself feel better, therefore, he knew it would also help me. He was SO controlled and consumed by his porn addictions, I think he actually believed that to be true. In his mind, he really thought he was helping me feel good. That was very early on and how the pornography initially started.
When he graduated from Seminary, this was probably the furthest thing from his mind. But over the years, he became hooked and porn took on a life of it's own. It wasn't long before it was the driving force in life. Everything centered around pornography. This is why it's important to me to share my story - so people see first-hand how it escalates and what happens if it's ignored.
It was so subtle when it started that it wouldn't even be considered pornographic material. It would be a fully clothed woman in a sexy and a some-what revealing outfit and he would say, "Isn't she pretty" or "I find her attractive". Looking back now, because it was so gradual, I think it dulled my reaction also. If he, or any man, had shown me an x-rated photo out of the blue I would have been shocked and appalled. But this was so gradual, that it must have dulled my senses along the way because by the time the extreme photos came, it wasn't a leap at all...it was just another picture. I didn't even think to report it because I had become so accustomed to them. I guess that makes me equally to blame.
That is how much of this happened. It was so gradual and the steps were so minimal that I didn't even recognize them half the time. Would I have recognized things sooner if I hadn't been in the situation that I was in at home? I have asked myself that a million times. I don't know. His porn addiction was extremely powerful making him relentless in his quest but what if I had been at a stronger point in my life? Even now, I kick myself and second guess myself for not saying "no" more forcefully. I was weak, depressed, exhausted, and a pushover. I wish I had been stronger. Maybe I could have stopped it.
He pressured me to make “excuses” and sneak out late in the evenings. I hated being pressured to lie to my family to go meet him. I tried to make excuses on why I couldn’t, but I couldn’t endure the relentless pressure so I would give in. I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with things at home, that when he pressured me to lie; I didn’t have the strength to keep saying no over and over again trying to resist. I knew he would not give up till I agreed to meet him.
I remember the very first time I went out to meet him, which also happened to be the first time I knew, without a doubt, things crossed the line. It was about 11:00pm at night and he was still working at his church office alone. He pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come over. It was relentless. I kept making excuses that I wouldn't be able to get away without my family wondering why I was going out so late. But it was so relentless and even though I didn't want to, and felt so guilty doing it, I found myself going because I was drained from the non-stop pressure and just wanted to make it stop. It was late. I was tired. And I drove to his office just to make it stop. BIG mistake. Worst ever.
I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I try and hold out longer saying that I couldn't go. Maybe he would have eventually given up. But he was driven with such force by the porn that I don't know if he even could have stopped pressuring me. I really don't. It seemed to consume his every waking breath. I firmly believe that he was driven more by pornography than the bible.
After that, it didn’t take long before everything around us was centered on secrets. We had secret codes on the computer, on text messages, on email, in person. Everything was in code and secret.
My entire life and existence was one giant secret with lie on top of lie to cover up what was happening. And the guilt… the guilt was unbearable along with the tremendous shame I felt. I was a nervous wreck and suicide was even more of a constant thought now because of the unbearable hopelessness. I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know who I could trust or what would happen if I told someone. Who would they believe...the pastor or me? Not knowing the answer to that question and the ever-present fear was enough to keep me silent. However, the longer I kept silent and kept the secrets the more it escalated until I no longer even felt human. I was an object going through the motions of life.
He told me frequently that my husband didn’t care about me the way he did so don’t tell him about the counseling sessions; I should trust him instead because he would never "hurt" me the way my husband did. He wanted to show me how to "feel good" and confided that when he was stressed he used porn to make himself feel better, therefore, he knew it would also help me. He was SO controlled and consumed by his porn addictions, I think he actually believed that to be true. In his mind, he really thought he was helping me feel good. That was very early on and how the pornography initially started.
When he graduated from Seminary, this was probably the furthest thing from his mind. But over the years, he became hooked and porn took on a life of it's own. It wasn't long before it was the driving force in life. Everything centered around pornography. This is why it's important to me to share my story - so people see first-hand how it escalates and what happens if it's ignored.
It was so subtle when it started that it wouldn't even be considered pornographic material. It would be a fully clothed woman in a sexy and a some-what revealing outfit and he would say, "Isn't she pretty" or "I find her attractive". Looking back now, because it was so gradual, I think it dulled my reaction also. If he, or any man, had shown me an x-rated photo out of the blue I would have been shocked and appalled. But this was so gradual, that it must have dulled my senses along the way because by the time the extreme photos came, it wasn't a leap at all...it was just another picture. I didn't even think to report it because I had become so accustomed to them. I guess that makes me equally to blame.
That is how much of this happened. It was so gradual and the steps were so minimal that I didn't even recognize them half the time. Would I have recognized things sooner if I hadn't been in the situation that I was in at home? I have asked myself that a million times. I don't know. His porn addiction was extremely powerful making him relentless in his quest but what if I had been at a stronger point in my life? Even now, I kick myself and second guess myself for not saying "no" more forcefully. I was weak, depressed, exhausted, and a pushover. I wish I had been stronger. Maybe I could have stopped it.
He pressured me to make “excuses” and sneak out late in the evenings. I hated being pressured to lie to my family to go meet him. I tried to make excuses on why I couldn’t, but I couldn’t endure the relentless pressure so I would give in. I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with things at home, that when he pressured me to lie; I didn’t have the strength to keep saying no over and over again trying to resist. I knew he would not give up till I agreed to meet him.
I remember the very first time I went out to meet him, which also happened to be the first time I knew, without a doubt, things crossed the line. It was about 11:00pm at night and he was still working at his church office alone. He pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come over. It was relentless. I kept making excuses that I wouldn't be able to get away without my family wondering why I was going out so late. But it was so relentless and even though I didn't want to, and felt so guilty doing it, I found myself going because I was drained from the non-stop pressure and just wanted to make it stop. It was late. I was tired. And I drove to his office just to make it stop. BIG mistake. Worst ever.
I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I try and hold out longer saying that I couldn't go. Maybe he would have eventually given up. But he was driven with such force by the porn that I don't know if he even could have stopped pressuring me. I really don't. It seemed to consume his every waking breath. I firmly believe that he was driven more by pornography than the bible.
After that, it didn’t take long before everything around us was centered on secrets. We had secret codes on the computer, on text messages, on email, in person. Everything was in code and secret.
My entire life and existence was one giant secret with lie on top of lie to cover up what was happening. And the guilt… the guilt was unbearable along with the tremendous shame I felt. I was a nervous wreck and suicide was even more of a constant thought now because of the unbearable hopelessness. I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know who I could trust or what would happen if I told someone. Who would they believe...the pastor or me? Not knowing the answer to that question and the ever-present fear was enough to keep me silent. However, the longer I kept silent and kept the secrets the more it escalated until I no longer even felt human. I was an object going through the motions of life.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Secrecy & Multiple Women
Eventually, I realized that I was trapped for good unless something drastic happened - obviously no one was ever going to question why or recognize the red flags. I was too afraid to say anything. And, he kept escalating which killed more of my soul. I was completely alone - thinking I must be the "cause" of this "holy man of God" falling from grace and going against the vows he took with his wife. That feeling of shame topped off with guilt kept me silent, helpless, and extremely suicidal. During the day I lived in shame and at night I dreamed of death - that was my life.
The verbal manipulation was always there for me to keep the secret making me feel even more ashamed. The guilt trip was unbearable. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to make me do exactly what he wanted. He had me in utter fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't even find the words to express how intense the guilt trip was.
In most cases this secrecy opens the door for multiple relationships with several parishioners at once. It is unlikely that a perpetrator will have just one victim. In Paul Rutter’s book, "Sex in the Forbidden Zone, when Men in Power … Betray Women’s Trust", Dr. Rutter states that conservatively there are at least three victims to one perpetrator; though he infers there are probably more.
I eventually learned of other women. There was another woman that he was also counseling where physical contact took place. She told a friend of mine, who asked me what to do about it. It was ironic because neither of them knew it was also happening to me (I never told them either). And little did they know that they were asking one of the most depressed messed-up women in the city for advice.
I knew immediately her story was a 100% true because there were several key phrases that she said he told her that were almost verbatim what he had told me. My heart sunk. Confusion filled me to the breaking point and was more than I could tolerate. He had always told me that I was the only one and it only happened because: "He couldn't help it". "He had needs". "He was addicted to pornography and more". But then how do you explain the second woman and the third? It made no sense to me. My heart filled with the realization that I was just an object to him. I felt non-human. By now though, there was no one I trusted in the church anymore so I had no where to turn and started to self implode while my fear continued to keep me silent.
I also remember another incident in the church office, when I happened to be there, and he told a very sexually explicit joke in front of a female church employee. I could see her cringe with feeling awkward and not knowing how to respond. He laughed at his own joke and I could see her blushing with embarrassment. I remember the entire incident like it was yesterday because it was one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments that I have ever witnessed.
As things escalated with me, so did his boldness with other women. He kept wanting more. With each level of escalation, however, it would never stay at that level for long. He would stay at that level for awhile but soon that wasn't enough and he would be wanting more. He started encouraging me to “invite” women he found attractive to join his committees. I hated that and dragged my feet trying to avoid it; but he was always right there with the pressure and the guilt trip and that I needed to help him because he had addictions. He was controlled by his addictions. I was controlled by him. And God was no where to be found.
The verbal manipulation was always there for me to keep the secret making me feel even more ashamed. The guilt trip was unbearable. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to make me do exactly what he wanted. He had me in utter fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't even find the words to express how intense the guilt trip was.
In most cases this secrecy opens the door for multiple relationships with several parishioners at once. It is unlikely that a perpetrator will have just one victim. In Paul Rutter’s book, "Sex in the Forbidden Zone, when Men in Power … Betray Women’s Trust", Dr. Rutter states that conservatively there are at least three victims to one perpetrator; though he infers there are probably more.
I eventually learned of other women. There was another woman that he was also counseling where physical contact took place. She told a friend of mine, who asked me what to do about it. It was ironic because neither of them knew it was also happening to me (I never told them either). And little did they know that they were asking one of the most depressed messed-up women in the city for advice.
I knew immediately her story was a 100% true because there were several key phrases that she said he told her that were almost verbatim what he had told me. My heart sunk. Confusion filled me to the breaking point and was more than I could tolerate. He had always told me that I was the only one and it only happened because: "He couldn't help it". "He had needs". "He was addicted to pornography and more". But then how do you explain the second woman and the third? It made no sense to me. My heart filled with the realization that I was just an object to him. I felt non-human. By now though, there was no one I trusted in the church anymore so I had no where to turn and started to self implode while my fear continued to keep me silent.
I also remember another incident in the church office, when I happened to be there, and he told a very sexually explicit joke in front of a female church employee. I could see her cringe with feeling awkward and not knowing how to respond. He laughed at his own joke and I could see her blushing with embarrassment. I remember the entire incident like it was yesterday because it was one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments that I have ever witnessed.
As things escalated with me, so did his boldness with other women. He kept wanting more. With each level of escalation, however, it would never stay at that level for long. He would stay at that level for awhile but soon that wasn't enough and he would be wanting more. He started encouraging me to “invite” women he found attractive to join his committees. I hated that and dragged my feet trying to avoid it; but he was always right there with the pressure and the guilt trip and that I needed to help him because he had addictions. He was controlled by his addictions. I was controlled by him. And God was no where to be found.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Loss of Faith
I lost every ounce of faith I once had—or rather it felt as if my faith was “blown up” by a bomb. I needed answers to my questions before I could start to trust God again. Questions like: Why God didn’t do something about it? Wasn’t it his church? Wasn’t God supposed to be in charge? Didn’t God care?
I was too angry and hurt to even pray. I wanted nothing to do with God. God was evil. Somewhere along the way, God and this pastor became interchangeable in my mind. I still struggle with that to this day trying to separate him and God.
That’s because the clergy perpetrator represents God to many victims. It’s as if God himselfdid the abuse and the betrayal is seen as God-directed. A pastor is someone who was in a position of “power”… a minister serving with authority from God. This is a man that God has chosen to be a shepherd to His people and would never hurt God’s people or lead them in the wrong direction. Women struggle with - if this "holy man of God" went astray then she must have done something in order for this to happen. In some sense the minister carries ultimate spiritual authority, particularly in the eyes of a trusting parishioner who looks to him for spiritual guidance and support.
In Carolyn Waterstradt's, MA, LLMSW, CAADC research with female survivors of clergy sexual assault, all of the eighteen women she interviewed suffered spirituality after their assault. However, the women reported two different paths of healing. Some remained in the tradition of their faith and others did not. Of those who remained in their religion, two variables needed to be present. First, a clergyperson had to be supportive of their healing. Second, they found a safe congregation in which to heal. Safe refers to a congregation where the survivors were accepted and could talk about the abuse if they chose without being shamed or asked to leave. Those who were unable to find a supportive clergyperson and a safe congregation tended to leave their traditional faith.
I was too angry and hurt to even pray. I wanted nothing to do with God. God was evil. Somewhere along the way, God and this pastor became interchangeable in my mind. I still struggle with that to this day trying to separate him and God.
That’s because the clergy perpetrator represents God to many victims. It’s as if God himselfdid the abuse and the betrayal is seen as God-directed. A pastor is someone who was in a position of “power”… a minister serving with authority from God. This is a man that God has chosen to be a shepherd to His people and would never hurt God’s people or lead them in the wrong direction. Women struggle with - if this "holy man of God" went astray then she must have done something in order for this to happen. In some sense the minister carries ultimate spiritual authority, particularly in the eyes of a trusting parishioner who looks to him for spiritual guidance and support.
In Carolyn Waterstradt's, MA, LLMSW, CAADC research with female survivors of clergy sexual assault, all of the eighteen women she interviewed suffered spirituality after their assault. However, the women reported two different paths of healing. Some remained in the tradition of their faith and others did not. Of those who remained in their religion, two variables needed to be present. First, a clergyperson had to be supportive of their healing. Second, they found a safe congregation in which to heal. Safe refers to a congregation where the survivors were accepted and could talk about the abuse if they chose without being shamed or asked to leave. Those who were unable to find a supportive clergyperson and a safe congregation tended to leave their traditional faith.
Carolyn Waterstradt goes on to say that the disconnection from their spiritual selves causes survivors to erroneously label themselves atheists. Almost all the women seemed to initially go through a period of questioning or atheism. This period of atheism was distressing to the women because unlike people who are raised or choose atheism as a belief system, clergy sexual abuse survivors had experienced sincere belief and faith in the God prior to their traumatic circumstances that impaired their ability to connect spiritually. Because “atheism” was not an intellectual choice it is not truly atheism but rather a stage in the healing process.
This stage of atheism can best be understood by reviewing the criteria for Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is a common diagnosis for survivors.
a. Negative beliefs: “I’ll never get over this.” “People in the church can’t be trusted.” “Life is meaningless.” “There is no God.”
b. Blaming oneself for the abuse: “I never should have counseled with him.” “I should have been able to stop him.”
c. Persistent guilt, shame, bewilderment, or other negative emotions
d. Diminished interest in activities that once were enjoyed such as taking part in congregational activities
e. Feelings of detachment or estrangement: from one’s congregation, one’s faith tradition
The negative alterations are exacerbated if the congregation or denomination blame and shame the victim or collude with the perpetrator.
I was obsessed with finding a religion that was as opposite from WELS and Lutheran that I could get. I wanted to find a religion that had pastors you could trust. I explored everything from Buddhism to Scientology to Mormon and then some. When none of them seemed any safer, I went even more extreme, and probably the most dangerous to my soul, and started surrounding myself with thoughts of hell, pro-suicide, and Satan.
Other staff members and leaders noticed that I no longer went to church or took communion and that I was exploring other religions. They asked the offending pastor and he said he had it “under control”. I dropped hints like crazy hoping someone would pick up on it because I was too afraid to actually tell someone what was happening. But no one did. And what everyone failed to ask him was…if he had it under control…then why was I going backwards in his care? Why was I moving further away from God?
