B. A. Bumb, Executive Director
Opening service - a sober James P. Tiefel will pick up a New NIV, open it carefully, and throw it against the nearest wall.
The convention will only sing Lutheran hymns from The Lutheran Hymnal.
Leaders and members of Church and Change will be judged to have excommunicated themselves through their obstinate opposition to Lutheran doctrine and practice.
Paul Calvin Kelm will throw the rock band instruments off the stage, screaming, "My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations." Even then, he will not be allowed back into the synod.
The faculties of The Sausage Factory, Mary Lou College, and Willowcreek's Liberal College will join hands, weeping, asking for instruction in Lutheran doctrine. People will look around the hall awkwardly, wondering who is left to teach them.
Due to demand, the Gausewitz catechism will cost $50 each on the secondary market.
The Little Sect on the Prairie will break fellowship with WELS, saying to the public media, "We have always been loosey-goosey, but those Wisconsin Synod people are way over the line."
The delegates will debate whether to use the King James Version, KJV 21, or another KJV.
Love Shack employees will come to the microphone and say, "We have pledged to stop leaking news and spiking news through Herman Otten. It's just dishonest."
