Church and Change Hymn

1. On some blasphemous art, stood a cross swizzle stick
The emblem of WELS Church and Change.
For it once was a cross, so we focused on Christ,
But now prospects just stir in their cream.

Refrain:
So they'll cherish their cross swizzle stick
Till their funding at last they lay down;
They will cherish the cool swizzle stick
But alas, they will not see a crown.



2. Schwaermers love sentiment, so they twisted the cross.
Relational, real, relevant.
But they love their old selves, and they never will change,
So they favor a pop rock event.

Refrain:
So they'll cherish their cross swizzle stick
Till their funding at last they lay down;
They will cherish the cool swizzle stick
But alas, they will not see a crown.



3. O the old Lutheran church, so despised by Reformed,
has a wondrous attraction for me;
for the clear Means of Grace give the Gospel to me
as Our Lord said it always would be.

Refrain:
But they'll cherish their cross swizzle stick
Till their funding at last they lay down;
They will cherish the cool swizzle stick
But alas, they will not see a crown.

CGM Dropout, Reprise

Baby Busta Gut, Sings the Oldies, Too

CGM Dropout, Church and Change Exile
With Apologies to Grease, "Beauty School Dropout"

Your story sad to tell,
A pastor ne'er do well,
Most mixed up non-Reformed kid on the block!
Your future is so clear now,
What's left of your career now?
Can't even get a job that’s worth a hoot!

Angels: (La lalala lalala lalala...)

CGM dropout,
Your handshake is like ice,.
CGM dropout,
A mistress would be nice.
Well at least you could have taken time, to fix and pad your vita,
After spending all that dough to go to Pasadena.


Reverend get moving (Reverend get movin),
Why keep your feeble hopes alive?
What are you proving (What are you provin)?
You're not loyal to the hive.

If you market what we have, you could be our new fool.
Forget the Book of Concord and go back to our School. (Fuller)

CGM dropout (CGM dropout),
Hanging around the conferences.
CGM dropout (CGM dropout),
It's about time you knew the score.

Well they couldn't teach you anything,
You think you’ve got a D.Min.
But no call will come to you unless you think and talk like vermin!

Reverend don't sweat it (Don't sweat it),
You're not cut out get a call.
Better forget it (Forget it),
Church Growth is all in all.

Now your Luther’s old, your Chemnitz’ bold, your doctrine is outrageous.
You still won’t get our nod until your parish is contagious.

Junior don't blow it,
Don't put my good advice to shame.
Junior you know it,
Even Valleskey’d say the same!

Now I've called the shot, get off the block, I really gotta fly!
Gotta be going to that beehive, in the sky!

CGM dropout (CGM dropout)
Go back to Fuller
CGM dropout (CGM dropout)
At least to Willow Creek
CCM dropout (CMG dropout)
Go back to Fuller.

76 Paul Kelms

76 Paul Kelms
(apologies to Meredith Wilson and his classic 76 Trombones)

Seventy-six Paul Kelms led the big parade,
With a hundred and ten Parlows close at hand,
They were followed by rows and rows of the Fuller gloriosos,
The stars of every Luthrun band.

Seventy-six Pietists signed at Willow Creek,
With a hundred and ten Wernings right behind,
There were more than a thousand cells springing up like Hell,
There were horns of every demon kind.

There were silver-plated false prophets in limousines,
Making goals, marketing, all along the way,
Doubled-chinned, fat phonies, in their leisure suits,
Leisure suits woven in neutral gray.

There were fifty mounted leaders in WELS Church and Change,
Feminists, womenists, louder than before.
Martinets of every size and capons who'd improvise
A full octave higher than the score.

Seventy six Ron Roths hit the counter point,
While a hundred and ten Olsons played the air,
To the rhythm of 'Sell this plan!'
All the sheep began to lamb
And they're still reproducing right today.

New WELS Hymn

I wish I could claim this parody, which appeared at Bailing Water, inspired by a bogus WELS hymn-writing contest:

A WELS Hymnwriter said...

Here's one entry for the contest. The tune is Dear Christians One and All Rejoice

We thank you Lord that we are WELS
And have all of our doctrines right.
For if we erred in just one point
That would become an awful blight
It would our saving faith destroy;
We would lose all our heav’nly joy
We’d be just like Missouri.

We thank you Lord we’re not Miss’ri
Who must plead for your mercy.
The unit concept they deny
And mess up public ministry.
But what else ought we to expect
From men who did not go to prep,
To New Ulm or to Mequon.

We thank you Lord for abstract truths
That we alone have perceiv-ed,
For function, gospel, ministry
Whose forms must be conceiv-ed
By your church as it deems it best,
So phys ed, science, and the rest
All count as public ministry.

Don’t get us wrong; we will not say
That we alone will be in heav’n.
For though our faith would be destroyed
By just the slightest leaven,
Yet some who are in churches wrong
Will join us in the heav’nly throng
In spite of their false teachings.

For these are they who do not know
That their beliefs are not quite true.
Their ignorance gives them a pass
God lets those in who have no clue.
But those who know Wisconsin’s creed
And think that it is wrong indeed
Are damned forever. Amen.

Where Have All the Lutherans Gone?

Donald McGavran, Disciples of Christ Guru to WELS/ELS/LCMS

Where Have All the Lutherans Gone?
(Tune - Where Have All the Flowers Gone? Background here.)

Where have all the Lutherans gone, long time passing?
Where have all the Lutherans gone, long time ago?
Where have all the Lutherans gone?
Gone to Fuller everyone.
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all D.Mins gone, long time passing?
Where have all the D.Mins gone, long time ago?
Where have all the D.Mins gone?
To the best calls everyone.
When will we ever learn?
When will we ever learn?

Where have all the best calls gone, long time passing?
Where have all the best calls gone, long time ago?
Where have all the best calls gone,
Gone apostate everyone.
When will Missouri learn?
When will Missouri learn?

Where do all apostates teach, long time passing?
Where do all apostates teach, long time ago?
Where do all apostates teach?
Fuller Sem is Number One!
When will WELS ever learn?
When will WELS ever learn?