Synodical Lutherans Are - So Mormon

 Here endeth the lesson from Second Kolob.

We attended a Mormon funeral, and many details were strikingly similar to the characteristics of synodical Lutherans today.

1. The funeral bulletin began with Mormon Scripture that borrowed heavily from 1 Corinthians 15. Plagiarism is common among the "confessional" Lutherans, from CPH editor Paul McCain to the Glende-Ski clown act in the alcoholism center of America - Fox Valley. Mequon encourages plagiarism and their Brug translation is a good example of it.
2. Mormon hymnals publish their pagan hymns along with verbatim copies of Christian hymns. They strive to give the impression of being Christian, but try to figure out this hymn - If You Could Hie to Kolob. Here is more on Kolob. I immediately thought of the WELS hymn on planning, because the leaders of WELS-ELS-LCMS worship Management by Objectives, which is utterly secular. Lutheran evangelism has nothing to do with the Word of God because they do not believe in the efficacy of the Word. But statistics - that lights up the apple of their eyes.
3. Let cousin Brunhilda sing. If the worship service becomes amateur hour, then the entire extended family will show up and musical pratfalls will be overlooked, even praised. 
4. It's all about the Benjies. The Mormon International Church is a vast business model that sucks up money and produce from the faithful. The rulers of Mormonism benefit endlessly. The Synodical Lutherans do the same, squeezing little congregations dry to make sure the bureaucrats are wined and dined in style. Synodical salaries and benefits are shamelessly inflated, which gives each incompetent slavish loyalty to the source of his paychecks. When they dissolve a congregation, they keep the equity.
5. Secrecy is appealing. Long ago, Charles Dickens observed that secrecy increases interest that would otherwise be almost zero. Mormon rituals can easily be studied, and Lutheran synod secrets are well known. Pretending to have secrets will make more people want to be part of the rabble that controls the Benjies. Would you give up a free (and tax-free) trip to exotic locations by telling the truth? If you say, "NO!" you have a future in WELS-ELS-LCMS.
6. Mormons claim to be Biblical but their little helper books, like Doctrine and Covenants tell the real story. Likewise, the LCMS is so Biblical that verses fall out of their albs, copes, and mitres. But, lo, the real story in Missouri is their new version of the Titanic, a dogmatics books so large in size and cost that they can keep members, seminarians, and clergy away from the Scriptures for several decades. The LCMS-WELS-ELS leaders are just as neo-Barthian as their idols at Fuller Seminary. 

 Honor the Reformation's 500th by buying your dog
a Luther t-shirt, your wife a shot glass, and your pastor
this neo-Barthian monstrosity.

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 This is why Concordia Publishing House should
be considered a warning label.

 CPH Dog collar

Shot glass coaster.

Frisbees really come from Yale originally.
Kintz and McCain should study church history.

 Mormons have plenty of drunks too,
in spite of their rules.