- They avoid the name Lutheran whenever possible.
- They promote women's ordination and women usurping authority in the church.
- They count on cell groups to make them grow, sometimes demanding membership in one as a condition for membership in the church. Just like the Pietists.
- They love Reformed doctrine and attack any Lutheran who does not.
- They love every denomination except their own.
- They see the Sacraments as barriers to their success.
- They call those who love the pipe organ "legalists" but demand that the pipe organ never be used.
- They imagine a jazz band will actually improve worship.
- They replace sermons with coaching, worship with entertainment.
- They take of their tummies during the Sunday embarrassment. Coffee and snacks are provided for the truly self-centered.
- They argue heatedly that love will convert people.
- They actually think growth depends on the amount of money spent, using "low" figures to shock people into spending oodles on silliness.
- They are spiritual tyrants in the parish but insubordinate in their own denominations.
- The ministers use their positions to support a degenerate lifestyle, taking advantage of the weak in their own congregations - preying upon them and demanding silence.