Shattered Pulpit - How a WELS Pastor Destroyed One Woman's Faith

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Death of a Soul

http://shatteredpulpit.blogspot.com/2014/08/death-of-soul.html

The psychological scars that are left when a pastor sexually exploits his parishioner are deep, life altering, and lasting. Because of his power, he can manipulate the woman not only psychologically but also morally, inducing spiritual confusion and guilt. The crisis then becomes a crisis of faith by exploiting the sacred trust in him in order to gain sexual pleasure. Sexual abuse is inherently shaming. This shaming is accentuated when the user is a spiritual leader. Because the assault is combined with spirituality, it makes it difficult to feel spiritual, theological, or fully human.- Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse

My concept of a "normal response" to a situation was extremely warped, it still is actually. I see people and desperately wish that I could react to situations like they do. The thought process that I used, as a coping mechanism, drastically changed how I thought and acted with everyone, not just him, and "normal" people frequently asked why I responded the way I did...even now.

I was convinced that I had to accept the guilt so as not to hurt my pastor who I was taught to respect and obey. However, by doing that it battered down my self-esteem even lower and further warped my thinking.  He then used his spiritual authority by pleading with me to forgive his “sins” or risk being rejected by God. 

This spiritual blackmail can trap women into silence and suffering for years or decades.Because he has redefined what is right and holy based on his own needs, women are left with a deep mistrust of their ability to distinguish right from wrong. 

I felt obligated that I had to forgive him. I was WELS as a little girl and learned that it was God’s command to “forgive your neighbor”. But I had no one to explain what “forgive your neighbor” all includes because my own pastor was the one doing it. He was the one that I was suppose to be able to go to for spiritual questions. So that left me alone with no one to ask.

I was too afraid to go to another pastor because what if he was the same way? I couldn't handle the pain that one pastor caused me much less two. I didn't trust my own instincts. I was fooled once and was NOT about to let that happen again. I never thought the first one would do that, so how could I trust my judgement again on a second pastor? The chance that all pastors were the same, and it happening again, was too much of a risk for me to even consider that as an option. Fear is a powerful motivator. 

The emotional wounds leave the woman with feelings of anger, betrayal, dismay, desolation, isolation, guilt, and shame. But the spiritual wounds are perhaps the deepest. These impair the woman’s ability to trust—others, as well as God—and to believe that God or others are good and loving. Many women report that not only have they lost their own church, but their trust has been so violated that they cannot go to any church. - Sharon's Rose

I walked away from church for years and never looked back. I hated God. I hated God with a passion. Every day I hated God more for allowing a "Called Pastor of God" to do this to me. I would be driving and literally cry out, "Why God? Why are you letting your pastor do this? Why are you allowing a pastor to kill my soul?" Hell started to appeal to me because it was far from God and pain. 

In my eyes, it was God doing this because a Pastor is a representative of God, so if I didn't want the pain, then I needed to be far from God. I surrounded myself with everything I could find about Satan; slowly my mind started embracing it and I convinced myself that was the only way to escape. It's probably lucky that I didn't succeed with suicide during that time or I would be in hell right now.

Pornography and Satan do have one thing in common - they are both extremelyaddictive. Because just how porn was a controlling addiction to him and escalated over time; that was Satan to me. The more I thought about how to be far from God and the pain, the more comforting those Satan thoughts became. At first it was a few thoughts here and there, but soon those thoughts started filling my mind until I was consumed with the thought that hell was peace and God was pain. But now you had a pastor escalating in porn and a woman escalating in Satan. What a lethal combination that proved to be and the longer it continued the more lethal it became.

Most chilling, she fears his retaliation on the spiritual level. It is difficult for others to comprehend the sheer terror that accompanies this form of abuse. But often because of the image of charismatic spiritual power that these men have asserted and fostered, the women's terror is akin to actually being cursed or damned. Victims fear that their very souls will be stolen.Because of the clergyman’s influence on the woman, trusting God enough to even open the Bible again can be a milestone.- Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse

When I walked away from church and God. I threw all my bibles in the garbage. Everything I could find that represented God I put in the trash. I actually sat by the window and waited for the garbage truck to take it away thinking, "good..I'm finally free from the God who causes so much pain". I felt free and fully embraced a life away from God.

***

GJ - Does anyone wonder why WELS, the ELS, and the LCMS work so frantically to cover up these scandals?

Sig Becker, when he moved from the LCMS to WELS, told Herman Otten he was shocked at the extent of alcoholism and adultery among the WELS clergy.

One layman, who traveled all over the US, said the WELS clergy are the crudest and most immoral of all the clergy he met - and he met them from all the denominations. Of the three sects of the Synodical Conferance, WELS is the most fanatical about UOJ.

The synodical leaders have a monetary reason to kill the lawsuits and silence the critics. They were eager to preach Marvin Schwan into heaven, even though he left his wife for his manager's wife. Ending two marriages, they briefly legitimized their relationship until he met His maker. "Treat the world kindly and be worthy of grace. Remember one day you will meet God face to face." (Judith Durham, My Father's Last Words)

Leveraging the Rain: Mulch, Earthworms

This illustration omits the crucial work of earthworms in the nitrogen cycle.
They are all muscle, so they contribute nitrogen through their kidneys
and when decomposing.

Why am I writing at 3 AM? I fell asleep very early and woke up to a thunderclap right over our house. That reminded me of the open windows of our limo, since I dis-believed for joy the report of rain on the way. By the time I wiped the seats dry and closed the windows, I was wide awake.

The rain is doing my work in creating blooms throughout the gardens. I know the compost pile, where my pet pumpkin plant is trying grow, will benefit from a thorough soaking. New vegetation from my yard (crepe myrtle) and my neighbor's garden is on top and ready to start the decomposition cycle.

By God's design, a tiny bit of work will be leveraged by the rain.

Sandy soil will not support as much life because it is relatively sterile and easily damaged by wind and water erosion.

Clay soil has a lot of potential, but rain can run off a baked surface and not reach the roots as well. Plants are root-bound in a clay pot and likewise hampered in heavy clay soil.

However, adding organic matter and earthworms will benefit both types of soil. Rich loam is ideal, so that is going to do well regardless. Sand and clay need some help.

When the rain falls on a garden area covered with mulch, finished compost, composted manure, grass clippings, or newspapers, the organic matter will hold onto the moisture and promote the growth of bacteria and soil creatures - the denizens of rot and decay.

The earthworm is a custom-designed little cow that grazes on bacteria, which are mostly protein, and the earthworm is mostly protein (all muscle). Unlike the rest of us, earthworms adore yesterdays's newspaper, and grow fat on the lignin they devour. The net result of earthworms and organic matter will be a storage of moisture and growth compounds for all plants.

Sandy soil with more organic matter will stick together better and support more life. Clay soil will be dug by earthworms and soil creatures and release its mineral ions more easily.

Mulch will hold in the moisture and keep the topsoil from blowing away in the wind. My distant neighbor's roses are not pruned and not mulched. The soil around them was dry and white before the rain. This storm will run off some of his top soil. The roses will revive somewhat, but the moisture in the soil will evaporate quickly and the sad state of the roses will continue.

Purple crepe myrtle shows how abundant the blooms can be.

Crepe myrtle will mulch itself with falling leaves and flower petals, and the plant will tolerate long dry spells. However, by mulching the bush with shredded cypress and cut up branches, I increased the plant's ability to pump rain from the soil. In a neighborhood where this plant is abundant, I want the champion plant. Very little work is needed, but some work is required. The bush did not become fully alive until it was initially earthwormed and pruned. Encouraged by the best blooms in the area, I added mulch and pruned heavily.

Our helper is alarmed and anxious about weeds in the sunny garden. He clipped some of the crabgrass away, but ran into some of the good plants, which are well hidden. I was using the braille system yesterday to find tomatoes when I found a pumpkin growing, hidden away. No wonder the vine has started its march across the lawn to gather solar energy for the fruit.

My first effort has been to open up and provide sun for gardening. Before I had a front and backyard shaded by untrimmed trees, covered with grass and a wide variety of weeds.

Beans, borage, and gourds are appearing in abundance. Roses are soaking up the rain and blooming profusely. The more I harvest the fruit and flowers, the more I have.

The tomato flower is the promise of fruit will real flavor,
unlike the hothouse tomatoes of the store.

Pruning Roses - Divided Joy, Doubled Joy

Our neighbor's daughter came over with newspapers. We give them the Sunday paper for coupons; they send it back with interest. I said, "Thanks. I will turn these into roses and vegetables. Do you want some roses now?"

No one turns down roses.

Although I cut about 10 roses for the altar, I still had four perfect roses left with long stems. She decided to hold them for the walk across the street.

The Germans have a saying, which is literally "A cut joy is a doubled joy." People translate it as "A shared joy is a doubled joy." The Jackson Literal Translation fits rose gardening the best.

When roses are cut just above a five-leaf cluster, they produce more blooms. That is where I normally prune. Dead wood (brown and dry) is always pruned. Spent flowers are trimmed away and so are thefurtive attempts at going to seed.

Knock-Out roses bloom profusely and open quickly, but I can get those roses to open slowly if I cut them early in the blooming stage. The whites, pinks, and magentas have delicate little buds that are perfectly formed when pruned early.

These sepals need a little more time before cutting the rose for the vase.

The best rose in a vase is not the fully opened bloom, but the bud where the five sepals around it have opened. Then the bud will open completely, slowly. If one of the sepals is still tightly bound to the bud, the cut bud will not open. I wait until the sepals are at the equator (my term) or below it.

Given adequate moisture and nutrition below, heavily pruned roses will bloom profusely. I do not add rose food after a bloom cycle because I have the earthworms and mulch for that. Besides, inorganic fertilizers are like steroids. They can promote immediate change but long-term damage. I water extra because these roses are on a slope and it is difficult to over-water them.

The crepe myrtle bush got a Lyle Lovett haircut.

I wanted to shape the crepe myrtle bush so the horizontal branches were pruned away. The bush was engulfing the mailbox, and neither object could be moved. Although the bush  can take on a graceful umbrella shape, I wanted a tall vase with a narrow base - like my distant neighbor's, which is now 20 feet tall.

When we were done, I thought of Lyle Lovett. All the lower branches are bare and only the top is leafy. All flower heads are trimmed away in hopes of a second bloom this year. As my mother used to say after cutting our hair with her electric trimmers, "It will grow out."

Our timing was good. A storm front moved over the region and dumped rain on all my projects, with more to come. The bush is mulched by cypress and cut up fragments of the pruning. I placed solar faerie lights in the top. I set them to flicker on every so often instead of blinking steadily and making the neighbors go crazy.

Gardeners realize that one effect of pruning is waking up the roots. If the plant is pruned, the roots start growing more - the secret to healthy, robust, drought-resistant plants. Gardeners will spade into the roots of an old bush to cut them, to promote new growth.

I have no qualms about trimming the roots of bare root roses to fit the hole I have dug for them. I know the roses will not accomplish much until the roots grow out and form their extremely delicate root hairs. Until that happens, the rose will be fragile. The rose will wobble in the soil and not take in much moisture or nutrition. The root hairs vastly increase the surface area and the efficiency of the plant.

Digging up a rose bush means damaging the root hairs. That is why transplanting can be difficult and will always result in a delay after replanting.

God created entire plant groups with specific characteristics. If we know how they relate to their surroundings, we can have great results with relatively little labor.

Has anyone improved on Mr. Lincoln?
Velvety petals, rich perfume, beautiful foliage.

Attendance at Koine Event - The Service of Woofer and Speaker

http://www.koinemusic.com/schedule/eventdetail/2615/-/the-400-block

This event:

Friday, August 15, 2014, 06:30pm
The 400 Block
Concert
401 Third Street, Wausau, WI 54403

The Ninth Sunday after Trinity, 2014.Luke 16:1-9

The Ninth Sunday after Trinity, 2014

Pastor Gregory L. Jackson

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/bethany-lutheran-worship

Bethany Lutheran Church, 10AM Central Daylight Time

The Hymn # 628            Shepherd of Tender Youth               3:74

The Confession of Sins
The Absolution
The Introit p. 16
The Gloria Patri
The Kyrie p. 17
The Gloria in Excelsis
The Salutation and Collect p. 19
The Epistle and Gradual       

The Gospel              

Glory be to Thee, O Lord!
Praise be to Thee, O Christ!
The Nicene Creed             p. 22

The Sermon Hymn #283            God’s Word               3:90

The Correct Use of God's Gifts

The Communion Hymn # 175            When I                        3:93

The Preface p. 24
The Sanctus p. 26
The Lord's Prayer p. 27
The Words of Institution
The Agnus Dei p. 28
The Nunc Dimittis p. 29
The Benediction p. 31
The Hymn # 50                    Lord Dismiss Us                3:86

KJV 1 Corinthians 10:1 Moreover, brethren, I would not that ye should be ignorant, how that all our fathers were under the cloud, and all passed through the sea; 2 And were all baptized unto Moses in the cloud and in the sea; 3 And did all eat the same spiritual meat; 4 And did all drink the same spiritual drink: for they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them: and that Rock was Christ. 5 But with many of them God was not well pleased: for they were overthrown in the wilderness. 6 Now these things were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted.

KJV Luke 16:1 And he said also unto his disciples, There was a certain rich man, which had a steward; and the same was accused unto him that he had wasted his goods. 2 And he called him, and said unto him, How is it that I hear this of thee? give an account of thy stewardship; for thou mayest be no longer steward. 3 Then the steward said within himself, What shall I do? for my lord taketh away from me the stewardship: I cannot dig; to beg I am ashamed. 4 I am resolved what to do, that, when I am put out of the stewardship, they may receive me into their houses. 5 So he called every one of his lord's debtors unto him, and said unto the first, How much owest thou unto my lord? 6 And he said, An hundred measures of oil. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty. 7 Then said he to another, And how much owest thou? And he said, An hundred measures of wheat. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and write fourscore. 8 And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light. 9 And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations.

Ninth Sunday After Trinity

Lord God, heavenly Father, who hast bountifully given us Thy blessing and our daily bread: We beseech Thee, preserve us from covetousness, and so quicken our hearts that we willingly share Thy blessed gifts with our needy brethren; that we may be found faithful stewards of Thy gifts, and abide in Thy grace when we shall be removed from our stewardship, and shall come before Thy judgment, through our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who liveth and reigneth with Thee and the Holy Ghost, one true God, world without end. Amen.

The Correct Use of God's Gifts

 KJV Luke 16:1 And he said also unto his disciples, There was a certain rich man, which had a steward; and the same was accused unto him that he had wasted his goods. 

"A certain rich man" - this is a parable

God has given each one of us certain gifts to get us through life, but also as believers to serve Him and His Kingdom. We have a tendency to envy what we do not have, and we are easily made jealous when we see someone who has similar but perhaps greater talents. If they are not greater, they may be praised and recognized when they are ordinary or even inferior, which also bothers us.

God created us and others that way, and we can see the wisdom when groups of people form to get a job done. It is said that 100 people can create a working village, even when picked at random, because the talents will be scattered among them so that they will have everything they need.

This rich man had a large estate therefore a steward or manager. The term steward is used for someone who has the responsibility of the owner but not the ultimate power. The estate does not belong to him, but he should run it as if it is while keeping in mind the will of the owner.

But this steward wasted the goods of the owner in this parable. We can imagine all kinds of things, such as speculation, poor planning, laziness, inattention to detail. The others could tell what needed to be done, but the opposite happened, which was very costly.

For instance, planting spinach in hot weather - as I did - will result in insect-eaten tough plants that do not taste good. The seed is wasted, except spinach makes good green manure when left to rot in the soil, covered up.

2 And he called him, and said unto him, How is it that I hear this of thee? give an account of thy stewardship; for thou mayest be no longer steward.

There is a certain amount of humor in this, because we can imagine the steward being called into the main office to be questioned and fired. The calling may be a personal messenger sent to him, with this precise communication: 1) Prepare the accounts. 2) You are fired.

As Luther observed, this is the Parable of the Unrighteous Steward. We are not to imitate his unrighteous deeds but emulate his cleverness, employed for the right reasons.

This is clearly aimed at the way believers lead their lives. We are managers of what belongs to God. The Word is His and not ours. He has prospered us so we can live in peace and share with others. If we squander the talents and resources, we are unworthy.

God gives us so many opportunities. Each day is filled with ways in which we can teach or share God's Word in some fashion. Like gardeners, we do a little and see the vast multiplying effects of God's abundance. Kindly gestures lead to more of the same. As Judith Durham sings, "Treat the world kindly and be worthy of grace. Remember one day you'll see God face to face."

Helping someone in the work of the Kingdom is going to be honored by God. "Whoever gives a cup of cold water to one of these will receive his reward." A cup of water is not much, but it feels so good at the time. It is the mark of hospitality among Mexicans, to offer water and to drink it. Yesterday our neighbors offered me something to drink and had a cold root beer. They said, "Free for neighbors" at their yard sale, but I went for my coins in the car, 100 feet away. I said, "Thank you for extending credit to me when I was hot and thirsty from walking with Sassy." The daughters grinned at me.

Publishing projects lead to poorly paid church workers being paid for their help in various parts of producing a book. People do not know where the gifts came from and the donors do not know, but they are appreciated.

I remember one time when Bethany needed $20 for the fuel bill, and a check arrived for that amount. We could have paid for the bill, but the thought meant a lot.

One person said this when others turned away his effort to give, "Don't take away my blessing." As we get older it is more easily felt - It is more blessed to give than to receive.

3 Then the steward said within himself, What shall I do? for my lord taketh away from me the stewardship: I cannot dig; to beg I am ashamed. 4 I am resolved what to do, that, when I am put out of the stewardship, they may receive me into their houses. 

This is both funny and unnerving for a parable. He is too weak to dig and too proud to beg, so his answer is to cheat the owner out of his receivables. ?But this illustrates the way of the world. Unbelievers get tossed from their ability to earn money, so they quickly devise another way. Many times they are not honest pursuits, but no one lacks for ingenunity in this regard. Every single person is good at self-preservation.

This plan will allow the unrighteous steward to have employment in the estates of those he favors in his hour of necessity.

5 So he called every one of his lord's debtors unto him, and said unto the first, How much owest thou unto my lord? 6 And he said, An hundred measures of oil. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty. 7 Then said he to another, And how much owest thou? And he said, An hundred measures of wheat. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and write fourscore.

This is what alarms people and preachers, too. Why should we imitate him? He is reducing the bill owed to the owner so these fellow crooks will employ him, due to their savings. This shows that he does something rather than just worrying about his fate. He has confidence, but his confidence is in the wrong things.

 8 And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light. 

This is even harder to understand at first, because the lord of the estate commends his unrighteous steward for being so clever. However, this makes sense if we look at the word "unrighteous". The owner admired the steward for creating a deal, and that is not uncommon in business. If a bill is too large, even if deserved, it is cut back to retain a customer. If the goods were delivered late or in bad condition, the goods may be doubled or deeply discounted. I ended up with a lot of earthworms because the first shipment was delayed. That made me want to order from Uncle Jim again, and I recommended his little laborers to one of our readers, who bought them. The cost of goods is not as high as the loss of good customers who may talk loud and long about a bad deal.

The dishonesty is not commended but the cleverness in this parable. This shows the genius of Jesus' teaching, because this parable is impossible to understand for unbelievers and very difficult for believers. We have to study it anew each year to keep the lessons in mind.

for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light

The unbelievers seem to have all the street sense. They are very good at taking care of their business while the believers are wasting the resources God has given them.

I was thinking of the denominations starting a new mission with $1 million, with a great focus on the right plot of land, debt to the denomination, and all the old methods of starting a mission when it was relatively cheap and easy to do.  The social media age has shown that congregations can be formed on the Net and sustained for very little money. Many businesses and books are started that way - by unbelievers. Some call it crowd-sourcing. But the leaders are stuck in the 1950s.

9 And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations.

The conclusion is another head-scratcher, until it is explained. 

Luther wrote:
This is truly a Gospel for priests and monks, and will bring them money, unless we prevent it. Before entering upon the consideration of it, we must accustom ourselves to the language used, especially the word mammon.

The Jews were acquainted with this word from the Hebrew, and it has come down to us, just like other Hebrew words, as Halleluja, Amen, Kyrie eleison. In German mammon means riches, not simply riches, but a superfluity of riches, whatever is beyond our needs. However, that which is called mammon and that which is not called mammon are distinguished in a twofold way. First, if the estimate be according to that of our Lord God and of the truth, there are many who possess mammon. But if the estimate be that of the world and of man’s mind, there are few who possess it. For our leaders in thought have taught in the high schools and even from the pulpit, that everyone should see to his station in life, what he needs, and adjust his possessions accordingly. If he be a man with wife and children, he needs more, for where many persons are there much will be needed.

2. In the second place they have taught that one is not bound to help, except in cases of the greatest need. Such teaching entirely overthrows the Gospel, so that no one has been helpful to another; but they have in the meantime built churches; and yet in doing so they did not even wait for the greatest need, until the arches were rent asunder and churches became roofless, but they gave to great excess, spreading their gold upon the walls.

To sum up the whole matter, mammon properly means, that a man has more than he needs for his support, so that he can help others without injuring himself.

3. Hence the Lord calls it “The mammon of unrighteousness,” because it is daily made use of by the wicked; as it is said: riches develop courage, and the heathen have also called it irritamenta malorum, riches tempt to evil.

Again St. Paul says, 1 Timothy 6:10: “The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil,” whence cometh strife, pride, war and bloodshed.

Therefore it is also called here the unrighteous mammon, because it is applied to such evil uses, and is a great cause of evil to men.

20. Now one thought remains: How will they receive us into the eternal tabernacles, as the text here says? Will they lead us in by the hand? No, but when we come before the judgment seat of God, poor persons whom we have assisted here, will stand in heaven and say: he has washed my feet, he gave me drink, food, clothing and the like. He will certainly be my friend and a witness of my faith, whatever words he may use to declare it. Then a beggar will be more useful to me than St. Peter or St. Paul, for there none of these can help. But when a beggar comes and says: My God, this he has done unto me as thy child! that will help me, for God will say: Whatsoever you have done unto these, you have done unto me. Therefore these poor people will not be our helpers but our witnesses so that God shall receive us. By this I would not object to your honoring St. Peter and other saints, for he is a member of Christ and of God. But you do better by giving your neighbor a penny, than by building a church of gold for St. Peter. For to help your neighbor is commanded, but it is not commanded to build a church to St. Peter. Now everything is twisted the wrong way, one goes to a certain passage in St. James, another to Aix-la-Chapelle, another to Rome, to seek help from the departed saints. But the poor people, who are the real sainthood, are left behind lying in the streets.

Making friends means to act kindly toward others so that when we reach eternal life, they will speak up for us and welcome us to heaven. The families of many ministers, missionaries, and teachers will say, "This individual gave us what we needed, just in the nick of time." Or - "This one showed kindness when everyone else was shunning us." Or - "She babysat our child so we could have some rest from her terminal illness. And she said she often wanted just a little rest herself with young children, and no one was there. Instead of getting even for what was not done, she made things better for us."

And these kindnesses multiply in various ways. Because some ministries continue, more hear the Gospel, and the mustard seed becomes a vast tree where many are sheltered.

I just read that Genghis Kahn has about 25 million descendants in Asia, because he had so many concubines. A believer has the same potential, because the Word of God is multiplied among many people who also multiply it, especially today.

Our daily classroom has 4,000 views, doubtless because many people expand the reach through their use of social media. As I told my wife Chris, if 50 people send one post to their 100 best friends, 5,000 people have the chance to read it. There is no way to measure the ultimate reach of the Word.

Luther:
13. The Scriptures in some passages speak of the outward conduct, and in others of the inner. Now if you will apply that which is said of the outward to the heart and confuse matters, you pervert it and do wrong. Hence you must let the distinction remain, and observe it. These expressions: I have been hungry, thirsty, shelterless, naked, sick and in prison, and you have shown me no work of mercy, refer to the external conduct, and signify as much as: you have never exhibited any outward conduct by which you have shown your faith; and to prove this, I appeal to the poor as witnesses.Therefore, faith alone must be present first to make us good, after that good works must follow to prove our piety. This now is one point, namely, concerning works. 

Harvested Beans Yesterday

Our fence garden is now a riot of vines and blooms. I picked a large handful of beans for Mrs. Ichabod. Several things will provide a daily supply. When I harvest them, they tend to bloom and produce again. Secondly, I planted them at three different times. Finally, I keep them watered, since rainstorms are over-promised in Springdale.

Many gourds are forming now. The flowers close up when they begin to produce. The dried flower turns into a tiny gourd, then quickly changes over to a hanging gourd acquiring the colors of a mature gourd.

The roses for today's service are exquisite. Some slow-growing hybrid teas are producing mature blooms, with a wide range of colors. Pruning has made them grow taller, so the big purple rose was reaching five feet tall when I cut the stem for our non-gardening neighbor.

I published a listing of WELS blogs, which prove that the sect is reaping what has been sown for decades. The weed seeds have created a lush, sterile, and dying garden of woes. They need some gardeners and Creationists at their headquarters.

One borage plant has six flowering heads like this.

WELS Blogs and Links List

Shattered Pulpit - Posts the author's first-hand accounts of being sexually abused by a WELS pastor.

Polluted WELS - Publishes often about the severe problems in WELS.

Intrepid Lutherans - Publishes lengthy and thoughtful posts about the state of the Wisconsin Eveangelical Lutheran Synod.

Ichabod, The Glory Has Departed - Provides occasional typos so the apostates can avoid dealing with justification by faith; clergy plagiarism, rape, molestation, and porn file swapping; false doctrine; synodical theft of property; abuse of pastors, misuse of offering funds; rich and adulterous synod heroes.

WELS Discussions Facebook Page - Features regular discussions about WELS topics, with a wide variety of contributors, from the thoughtful to the robotic.

This is a meme.

Confessional Lutheran Memes Facebook Page - Specializes in memes that provoke discussion about doctrinal topics and worship.

Luther is being re-buried by the "conservative" Lutherans.

End the WELS/ELS Abuse - Share The Shattered Pulpit Blog with Others

One of Many Examples of Abuse in WELS

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Lies & Deception

These relationships are often built on secrets, gradually creating a situation where the abuse may become sexual. The woman should not be made to feel that her conversations with the pastor are “just between the two of them” and not for discussion with her spouse, friend, etc. Offending Pastors will use this secrecy as a way to draw you in, to exclude others and to avoid accountability. 

He told me frequently that my husband didn’t care about me the way he did so don’t tell him about the counseling sessions; I should trust him instead because he would never "hurt" me the way my husband did. He wanted to show me how to "feel good" and confided that when he was stressed he used porn to make himself feel better, therefore, he knew it would also help me. He was SO controlled and consumed by his porn addictions, I think he actually believed that to be true. In his mind, he really thought he was helping me feel good. That was very early on and how the pornography initially started.

When he graduated from Seminary, this was probably the furthest thing from his mind. But over the years, he became hooked and porn took on a life of it's own. It wasn't long before it was the driving force in life. Everything centered around pornography. This is why it's important to me to share my story - so people see first-hand how it escalates and what happens if it's ignored.

It was so subtle when it started that it wouldn't even be considered pornographic material. It would be a fully clothed woman in a sexy and a some-what revealing outfit and he would say, "Isn't she pretty" or "I find her attractive". Looking back now, because it was so gradual, I think it dulled my reaction also. If he, or any man, had shown me an x-rated photo out of the blue I would have been shocked and appalled. But this was so gradual, that it must have dulled my senses along the way because by the time the extreme photos came, it wasn't a leap at all...it was just another picture. I didn't even think to report it because I had become so accustomed to them. I guess that makes me equally to blame.

That is how much of this happened. It was so gradual and the steps were so minimal that I didn't even recognize them half the time. Would I have recognized things sooner if I hadn't been in the situation that I was in at home? I have asked myself that a million times. I don't know. His porn addiction was extremely powerful making him relentless in his quest but what if I had been at a stronger point in my life? Even now, I kick myself and second guess myself for not saying "no" more forcefully. I was weak, depressed, exhausted, and a pushover. I wish I had been stronger. Maybe I could have stopped it.

He pressured me to make “excuses” and sneak out late in the evenings. I hated being pressured to lie to my family to go meet him. I tried to make excuses on why I couldn’t, but I couldn’t endure the relentless pressure so I would give in. I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with things at home, that when he pressured me to lie; I didn’t have the strength to keep saying no over and over again trying to resist. I knew he would not give up till I agreed to meet him. 

I remember the very first time I went out to meet him, which also happened to be the first time I knew, without a doubt, things crossed the line. It was about 11:00pm at night and he was still working at his church office alone. He pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come over. It was relentless. I kept making excuses that I wouldn't be able to get away without my family wondering why I was going out so late. But it was so relentless and even though I didn't want to, and felt so guilty doing it, I found myself going because I was drained from the non-stop pressure and just wanted to make it stop. It was late. I was tired. And I drove to his office just to make it stop. BIG mistake. Worst ever. 

I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I try and hold out longer saying that I couldn't go. Maybe he would have eventually given up. But he was driven with such force by the  porn that I don't know if he even could have stopped pressuring me. I really don't. It seemed to consume his every waking breath. I firmly believe that he was driven more by pornography than the bible.  

After that, it didn’t take long before everything around us was centered on secrets. We had secret codes on the computer, on text messages, on email, in person. Everything was in code and secret.

My entire life and existence was one giant secret with lie on top of lie to cover up what was happening. And the guilt… the guilt was unbearable along with the tremendous shame I felt. I was a nervous wreck and suicide was even more of a constant thought now because of the unbearable hopelessness. I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know who I could trust or what would happen if I told someone. Who would they believe...the pastor or me? Not knowing the answer to that question and the ever-present fear was enough to keep me silent. However, the longer I kept silent and kept the secrets the more it escalated until I no longer even felt human. I was an object going through the motions of life.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Secrecy and Multiple Women

Eventually, I realized that I was trapped for good unless something drastic happened -  obviously no one was ever going to question why or recognize the red flags. I was too afraid to say anything. And, he kept escalating which killed more of my soul. I was completely alone - thinking I must be the "cause" of this "holy man of God" falling from grace and going against the vows he took with his wife. That feeling of shame topped off with guilt kept me silent, helpless, and extremely suicidal. During the day I lived in shame and at night I dreamed of death - that was my life.

The verbal manipulation was always there for me to keep the secret making me feel even more ashamed. The guilt trip was unbearable. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to make me do exactly what he wanted. He had me in utter fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't even find the words to express how intense the guilt trip was.

In most cases this secrecy opens the door for multiple relationships with several parishioners at once. It is unlikely that a perpetrator will have just one victim. In Paul Rutter’s book, "Sex in the Forbidden Zone, when Men in Power … Betray Women’s Trust", Dr. Rutter states that conservatively there are at least three victims to one perpetrator; though he infers there are probably more. 

I eventually learned of other women. There was another woman that he was also counseling where physical contact took place. She told a friend of mine, who asked me what to do about it. It was ironic because neither of them knew it was also happening to me (I never told them either). And little did they know that they were asking one of the most depressed messed-up women in the city for advice.  

I knew immediately her story was a 100% true because there were several key phrases that she said he told her that were almost verbatim what he had told me. My heart sunk. Confusion filled me to the breaking point and was more than I could tolerate. He had always told me that I was the only one and it only happened because: "He couldn't help it". "He had needs". "He was addicted to pornography and more". But then how do you explain the second woman and the third? It made no sense to me. My heart filled with the realization that I was just an object to him. I felt non-human. By now though, there was no one I trusted in the church anymore so I had no where to turn and started to self implode while my fear continued to keep me silent.
 I also remember another incident in the church office, when I happened to be there, and he told a very sexually explicit joke in front of a female church employee. I could see her cringe with feeling awkward and not knowing how to respond. He laughed at his own joke and I could see her blushing with embarrassment. I remember the entire incident like it was yesterday because it was one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments that I have ever witnessed. 

As things escalated with me, so did his boldness with other women. He kept wanting more. With each level of escalation, however, it would never stay at that level for long. He would stay at that level for awhile but soon that wasn't enough and he would be wanting more. He started encouraging me to “invite” women he found attractive to join his committees. I hated that and dragged my feet trying to avoid it; but he was always right there with the pressure and the guilt trip and that I needed to help him because he had addictions. He was controlled by his addictions. I was controlled by him. And God was no where to be found.