One of Many Examples of Abuse in WELS
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Lies & Deception
These relationships are often built on secrets, gradually creating a situation where the abuse may become sexual. The woman should not be made to feel that her conversations with the pastor are “just between the two of them” and not for discussion with her spouse, friend, etc. Offending Pastors will use this secrecy as a way to draw you in, to exclude others and to avoid accountability.
He told me frequently that my husband didn’t care about me the way he did so don’t tell him about the counseling sessions; I should trust him instead because he would never "hurt" me the way my husband did. He wanted to show me how to "feel good" and confided that when he was stressed he used porn to make himself feel better, therefore, he knew it would also help me. He was SO controlled and consumed by his porn addictions, I think he actually believed that to be true. In his mind, he really thought he was helping me feel good. That was very early on and how the pornography initially started.
When he graduated from Seminary, this was probably the furthest thing from his mind. But over the years, he became hooked and porn took on a life of it's own. It wasn't long before it was the driving force in life. Everything centered around pornography. This is why it's important to me to share my story - so people see first-hand how it escalates and what happens if it's ignored.
It was so subtle when it started that it wouldn't even be considered pornographic material. It would be a fully clothed woman in a sexy and a some-what revealing outfit and he would say, "Isn't she pretty" or "I find her attractive". Looking back now, because it was so gradual, I think it dulled my reaction also. If he, or any man, had shown me an x-rated photo out of the blue I would have been shocked and appalled. But this was so gradual, that it must have dulled my senses along the way because by the time the extreme photos came, it wasn't a leap at all...it was just another picture. I didn't even think to report it because I had become so accustomed to them. I guess that makes me equally to blame.
That is how much of this happened. It was so gradual and the steps were so minimal that I didn't even recognize them half the time. Would I have recognized things sooner if I hadn't been in the situation that I was in at home? I have asked myself that a million times. I don't know. His porn addiction was extremely powerful making him relentless in his quest but what if I had been at a stronger point in my life? Even now, I kick myself and second guess myself for not saying "no" more forcefully. I was weak, depressed, exhausted, and a pushover. I wish I had been stronger. Maybe I could have stopped it.
He pressured me to make “excuses” and sneak out late in the evenings. I hated being pressured to lie to my family to go meet him. I tried to make excuses on why I couldn’t, but I couldn’t endure the relentless pressure so I would give in. I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with things at home, that when he pressured me to lie; I didn’t have the strength to keep saying no over and over again trying to resist. I knew he would not give up till I agreed to meet him.
I remember the very first time I went out to meet him, which also happened to be the first time I knew, without a doubt, things crossed the line. It was about 11:00pm at night and he was still working at his church office alone. He pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come over. It was relentless. I kept making excuses that I wouldn't be able to get away without my family wondering why I was going out so late. But it was so relentless and even though I didn't want to, and felt so guilty doing it, I found myself going because I was drained from the non-stop pressure and just wanted to make it stop. It was late. I was tired. And I drove to his office just to make it stop. BIG mistake. Worst ever.
I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I try and hold out longer saying that I couldn't go. Maybe he would have eventually given up. But he was driven with such force by the porn that I don't know if he even could have stopped pressuring me. I really don't. It seemed to consume his every waking breath. I firmly believe that he was driven more by pornography than the bible.
After that, it didn’t take long before everything around us was centered on secrets. We had secret codes on the computer, on text messages, on email, in person. Everything was in code and secret.
My entire life and existence was one giant secret with lie on top of lie to cover up what was happening. And the guilt… the guilt was unbearable along with the tremendous shame I felt. I was a nervous wreck and suicide was even more of a constant thought now because of the unbearable hopelessness. I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know who I could trust or what would happen if I told someone. Who would they believe...the pastor or me? Not knowing the answer to that question and the ever-present fear was enough to keep me silent. However, the longer I kept silent and kept the secrets the more it escalated until I no longer even felt human. I was an object going through the motions of life.
He told me frequently that my husband didn’t care about me the way he did so don’t tell him about the counseling sessions; I should trust him instead because he would never "hurt" me the way my husband did. He wanted to show me how to "feel good" and confided that when he was stressed he used porn to make himself feel better, therefore, he knew it would also help me. He was SO controlled and consumed by his porn addictions, I think he actually believed that to be true. In his mind, he really thought he was helping me feel good. That was very early on and how the pornography initially started.
When he graduated from Seminary, this was probably the furthest thing from his mind. But over the years, he became hooked and porn took on a life of it's own. It wasn't long before it was the driving force in life. Everything centered around pornography. This is why it's important to me to share my story - so people see first-hand how it escalates and what happens if it's ignored.
It was so subtle when it started that it wouldn't even be considered pornographic material. It would be a fully clothed woman in a sexy and a some-what revealing outfit and he would say, "Isn't she pretty" or "I find her attractive". Looking back now, because it was so gradual, I think it dulled my reaction also. If he, or any man, had shown me an x-rated photo out of the blue I would have been shocked and appalled. But this was so gradual, that it must have dulled my senses along the way because by the time the extreme photos came, it wasn't a leap at all...it was just another picture. I didn't even think to report it because I had become so accustomed to them. I guess that makes me equally to blame.
That is how much of this happened. It was so gradual and the steps were so minimal that I didn't even recognize them half the time. Would I have recognized things sooner if I hadn't been in the situation that I was in at home? I have asked myself that a million times. I don't know. His porn addiction was extremely powerful making him relentless in his quest but what if I had been at a stronger point in my life? Even now, I kick myself and second guess myself for not saying "no" more forcefully. I was weak, depressed, exhausted, and a pushover. I wish I had been stronger. Maybe I could have stopped it.
He pressured me to make “excuses” and sneak out late in the evenings. I hated being pressured to lie to my family to go meet him. I tried to make excuses on why I couldn’t, but I couldn’t endure the relentless pressure so I would give in. I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with things at home, that when he pressured me to lie; I didn’t have the strength to keep saying no over and over again trying to resist. I knew he would not give up till I agreed to meet him.
I remember the very first time I went out to meet him, which also happened to be the first time I knew, without a doubt, things crossed the line. It was about 11:00pm at night and he was still working at his church office alone. He pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come over. It was relentless. I kept making excuses that I wouldn't be able to get away without my family wondering why I was going out so late. But it was so relentless and even though I didn't want to, and felt so guilty doing it, I found myself going because I was drained from the non-stop pressure and just wanted to make it stop. It was late. I was tired. And I drove to his office just to make it stop. BIG mistake. Worst ever.
I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I try and hold out longer saying that I couldn't go. Maybe he would have eventually given up. But he was driven with such force by the porn that I don't know if he even could have stopped pressuring me. I really don't. It seemed to consume his every waking breath. I firmly believe that he was driven more by pornography than the bible.
After that, it didn’t take long before everything around us was centered on secrets. We had secret codes on the computer, on text messages, on email, in person. Everything was in code and secret.
My entire life and existence was one giant secret with lie on top of lie to cover up what was happening. And the guilt… the guilt was unbearable along with the tremendous shame I felt. I was a nervous wreck and suicide was even more of a constant thought now because of the unbearable hopelessness. I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know who I could trust or what would happen if I told someone. Who would they believe...the pastor or me? Not knowing the answer to that question and the ever-present fear was enough to keep me silent. However, the longer I kept silent and kept the secrets the more it escalated until I no longer even felt human. I was an object going through the motions of life.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Secrecy and Multiple Women
Eventually, I realized that I was trapped for good unless something drastic happened - obviously no one was ever going to question why or recognize the red flags. I was too afraid to say anything. And, he kept escalating which killed more of my soul. I was completely alone - thinking I must be the "cause" of this "holy man of God" falling from grace and going against the vows he took with his wife. That feeling of shame topped off with guilt kept me silent, helpless, and extremely suicidal. During the day I lived in shame and at night I dreamed of death - that was my life.
The verbal manipulation was always there for me to keep the secret making me feel even more ashamed. The guilt trip was unbearable. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to make me do exactly what he wanted. He had me in utter fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't even find the words to express how intense the guilt trip was.
In most cases this secrecy opens the door for multiple relationships with several parishioners at once. It is unlikely that a perpetrator will have just one victim. In Paul Rutter’s book, "Sex in the Forbidden Zone, when Men in Power … Betray Women’s Trust", Dr. Rutter states that conservatively there are at least three victims to one perpetrator; though he infers there are probably more.
I eventually learned of other women. There was another woman that he was also counseling where physical contact took place. She told a friend of mine, who asked me what to do about it. It was ironic because neither of them knew it was also happening to me (I never told them either). And little did they know that they were asking one of the most depressed messed-up women in the city for advice.
I knew immediately her story was a 100% true because there were several key phrases that she said he told her that were almost verbatim what he had told me. My heart sunk. Confusion filled me to the breaking point and was more than I could tolerate. He had always told me that I was the only one and it only happened because: "He couldn't help it". "He had needs". "He was addicted to pornography and more". But then how do you explain the second woman and the third? It made no sense to me. My heart filled with the realization that I was just an object to him. I felt non-human. By now though, there was no one I trusted in the church anymore so I had no where to turn and started to self implode while my fear continued to keep me silent.
I also remember another incident in the church office, when I happened to be there, and he told a very sexually explicit joke in front of a female church employee. I could see her cringe with feeling awkward and not knowing how to respond. He laughed at his own joke and I could see her blushing with embarrassment. I remember the entire incident like it was yesterday because it was one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments that I have ever witnessed.
As things escalated with me, so did his boldness with other women. He kept wanting more. With each level of escalation, however, it would never stay at that level for long. He would stay at that level for awhile but soon that wasn't enough and he would be wanting more. He started encouraging me to “invite” women he found attractive to join his committees. I hated that and dragged my feet trying to avoid it; but he was always right there with the pressure and the guilt trip and that I needed to help him because he had addictions. He was controlled by his addictions. I was controlled by him. And God was no where to be found.
The verbal manipulation was always there for me to keep the secret making me feel even more ashamed. The guilt trip was unbearable. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to make me do exactly what he wanted. He had me in utter fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't even find the words to express how intense the guilt trip was.
In most cases this secrecy opens the door for multiple relationships with several parishioners at once. It is unlikely that a perpetrator will have just one victim. In Paul Rutter’s book, "Sex in the Forbidden Zone, when Men in Power … Betray Women’s Trust", Dr. Rutter states that conservatively there are at least three victims to one perpetrator; though he infers there are probably more.
I eventually learned of other women. There was another woman that he was also counseling where physical contact took place. She told a friend of mine, who asked me what to do about it. It was ironic because neither of them knew it was also happening to me (I never told them either). And little did they know that they were asking one of the most depressed messed-up women in the city for advice.
I knew immediately her story was a 100% true because there were several key phrases that she said he told her that were almost verbatim what he had told me. My heart sunk. Confusion filled me to the breaking point and was more than I could tolerate. He had always told me that I was the only one and it only happened because: "He couldn't help it". "He had needs". "He was addicted to pornography and more". But then how do you explain the second woman and the third? It made no sense to me. My heart filled with the realization that I was just an object to him. I felt non-human. By now though, there was no one I trusted in the church anymore so I had no where to turn and started to self implode while my fear continued to keep me silent.
I also remember another incident in the church office, when I happened to be there, and he told a very sexually explicit joke in front of a female church employee. I could see her cringe with feeling awkward and not knowing how to respond. He laughed at his own joke and I could see her blushing with embarrassment. I remember the entire incident like it was yesterday because it was one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments that I have ever witnessed.
As things escalated with me, so did his boldness with other women. He kept wanting more. With each level of escalation, however, it would never stay at that level for long. He would stay at that level for awhile but soon that wasn't enough and he would be wanting more. He started encouraging me to “invite” women he found attractive to join his committees. I hated that and dragged my feet trying to avoid it; but he was always right there with the pressure and the guilt trip and that I needed to help him because he had addictions. He was controlled by his addictions. I was controlled by him. And God was no where to be found.
