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I have been hiding for far too long in my life. Not just from all of you, but from myself. The feelings have always been there. I can recall feelings all the way back to 5 years old. I have had a lot of grief over the issues. I have faced harassment and depression because of them. I have been driven to the brink of suicide multiple times, both in high school and in college. And finally, I realized that if I don’t do something about the feelings, they will literally kill me.
I have never felt aligned with my gender, I have always felt uncomfortable in my body. I never knew quite why, but I just did not ever like what I saw in the mirror. It horrified me every day. I would spend nights lying awake, crying, and just self-loathing over the thoughts. It wasn’t a “gay phase” or that I’m just gay. This is nothing to do with my sexuality, this is to do with me. And it took me until a year and a half ago to finally admit to myself what was going on.
Since I have accepted this, things have improved significantly. Just the admittance itself gave me great relief and confidence. When I first came to terms with it I started exercising, I was sleeping better and more “on schedule” and was generally happier. I have had a boyfriend for the past year who has supported me every step of the way in this journey. And now, exactly 13 weeks ago, I began hormone replacement therapy so my body will produce less testosterone and run more on estrogen and progesterone. Never have I felt more like myself. It is the happiest, most confident, and just generally most content with myself I have ever felt. It was like something clicked in my brain, and it all made way more sense.
And so, it is with that that I tell you I will no longer be lying to you all, or to myself, about who I am. I will change my name on here to Amber Noel Birner. I am not a confused man, or a gay man, or someone afraid to be gay, I am not a man becoming a woman or pretending to be a woman. I have always been a woman. The only difference now is that I am one that is finally accepting who she is.
Requests from Sam Birner, sent to Ichabod