End the WELS/ELS Abuse - Share The Shattered Pulpit Blog with Others

One of Many Examples of Abuse in WELS

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Lies & Deception

These relationships are often built on secrets, gradually creating a situation where the abuse may become sexual. The woman should not be made to feel that her conversations with the pastor are “just between the two of them” and not for discussion with her spouse, friend, etc. Offending Pastors will use this secrecy as a way to draw you in, to exclude others and to avoid accountability. 

He told me frequently that my husband didn’t care about me the way he did so don’t tell him about the counseling sessions; I should trust him instead because he would never "hurt" me the way my husband did. He wanted to show me how to "feel good" and confided that when he was stressed he used porn to make himself feel better, therefore, he knew it would also help me. He was SO controlled and consumed by his porn addictions, I think he actually believed that to be true. In his mind, he really thought he was helping me feel good. That was very early on and how the pornography initially started.

When he graduated from Seminary, this was probably the furthest thing from his mind. But over the years, he became hooked and porn took on a life of it's own. It wasn't long before it was the driving force in life. Everything centered around pornography. This is why it's important to me to share my story - so people see first-hand how it escalates and what happens if it's ignored.

It was so subtle when it started that it wouldn't even be considered pornographic material. It would be a fully clothed woman in a sexy and a some-what revealing outfit and he would say, "Isn't she pretty" or "I find her attractive". Looking back now, because it was so gradual, I think it dulled my reaction also. If he, or any man, had shown me an x-rated photo out of the blue I would have been shocked and appalled. But this was so gradual, that it must have dulled my senses along the way because by the time the extreme photos came, it wasn't a leap at all...it was just another picture. I didn't even think to report it because I had become so accustomed to them. I guess that makes me equally to blame.

That is how much of this happened. It was so gradual and the steps were so minimal that I didn't even recognize them half the time. Would I have recognized things sooner if I hadn't been in the situation that I was in at home? I have asked myself that a million times. I don't know. His porn addiction was extremely powerful making him relentless in his quest but what if I had been at a stronger point in my life? Even now, I kick myself and second guess myself for not saying "no" more forcefully. I was weak, depressed, exhausted, and a pushover. I wish I had been stronger. Maybe I could have stopped it.

He pressured me to make “excuses” and sneak out late in the evenings. I hated being pressured to lie to my family to go meet him. I tried to make excuses on why I couldn’t, but I couldn’t endure the relentless pressure so I would give in. I was emotionally exhausted from dealing with things at home, that when he pressured me to lie; I didn’t have the strength to keep saying no over and over again trying to resist. I knew he would not give up till I agreed to meet him. 

I remember the very first time I went out to meet him, which also happened to be the first time I knew, without a doubt, things crossed the line. It was about 11:00pm at night and he was still working at his church office alone. He pushed and pushed and pushed for me to come over. It was relentless. I kept making excuses that I wouldn't be able to get away without my family wondering why I was going out so late. But it was so relentless and even though I didn't want to, and felt so guilty doing it, I found myself going because I was drained from the non-stop pressure and just wanted to make it stop. It was late. I was tired. And I drove to his office just to make it stop. BIG mistake. Worst ever. 

I don't know how I could have been so stupid. Why didn't I try and hold out longer saying that I couldn't go. Maybe he would have eventually given up. But he was driven with such force by the  porn that I don't know if he even could have stopped pressuring me. I really don't. It seemed to consume his every waking breath. I firmly believe that he was driven more by pornography than the bible.  

After that, it didn’t take long before everything around us was centered on secrets. We had secret codes on the computer, on text messages, on email, in person. Everything was in code and secret.

My entire life and existence was one giant secret with lie on top of lie to cover up what was happening. And the guilt… the guilt was unbearable along with the tremendous shame I felt. I was a nervous wreck and suicide was even more of a constant thought now because of the unbearable hopelessness. I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know who I could trust or what would happen if I told someone. Who would they believe...the pastor or me? Not knowing the answer to that question and the ever-present fear was enough to keep me silent. However, the longer I kept silent and kept the secrets the more it escalated until I no longer even felt human. I was an object going through the motions of life.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Secrecy and Multiple Women

Eventually, I realized that I was trapped for good unless something drastic happened -  obviously no one was ever going to question why or recognize the red flags. I was too afraid to say anything. And, he kept escalating which killed more of my soul. I was completely alone - thinking I must be the "cause" of this "holy man of God" falling from grace and going against the vows he took with his wife. That feeling of shame topped off with guilt kept me silent, helpless, and extremely suicidal. During the day I lived in shame and at night I dreamed of death - that was my life.

The verbal manipulation was always there for me to keep the secret making me feel even more ashamed. The guilt trip was unbearable. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to make me do exactly what he wanted. He had me in utter fear of saying anything to anyone. I can't even find the words to express how intense the guilt trip was.

In most cases this secrecy opens the door for multiple relationships with several parishioners at once. It is unlikely that a perpetrator will have just one victim. In Paul Rutter’s book, "Sex in the Forbidden Zone, when Men in Power … Betray Women’s Trust", Dr. Rutter states that conservatively there are at least three victims to one perpetrator; though he infers there are probably more. 

I eventually learned of other women. There was another woman that he was also counseling where physical contact took place. She told a friend of mine, who asked me what to do about it. It was ironic because neither of them knew it was also happening to me (I never told them either). And little did they know that they were asking one of the most depressed messed-up women in the city for advice.  

I knew immediately her story was a 100% true because there were several key phrases that she said he told her that were almost verbatim what he had told me. My heart sunk. Confusion filled me to the breaking point and was more than I could tolerate. He had always told me that I was the only one and it only happened because: "He couldn't help it". "He had needs". "He was addicted to pornography and more". But then how do you explain the second woman and the third? It made no sense to me. My heart filled with the realization that I was just an object to him. I felt non-human. By now though, there was no one I trusted in the church anymore so I had no where to turn and started to self implode while my fear continued to keep me silent.
 I also remember another incident in the church office, when I happened to be there, and he told a very sexually explicit joke in front of a female church employee. I could see her cringe with feeling awkward and not knowing how to respond. He laughed at his own joke and I could see her blushing with embarrassment. I remember the entire incident like it was yesterday because it was one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments that I have ever witnessed. 

As things escalated with me, so did his boldness with other women. He kept wanting more. With each level of escalation, however, it would never stay at that level for long. He would stay at that level for awhile but soon that wasn't enough and he would be wanting more. He started encouraging me to “invite” women he found attractive to join his committees. I hated that and dragged my feet trying to avoid it; but he was always right there with the pressure and the guilt trip and that I needed to help him because he had addictions. He was controlled by his addictions. I was controlled by him. And God was no where to be found.

Why Is Plagiarism Encouraged at Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary? Perhaps Because the Faculty Has Slavishly Copied Fuller Seminary

Football Players at Notre Dame Investigated for Plagiarism

SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Four Notre Dame players, including two starters, will not be allowed to participate in football activities as the university continues an internal investigation into academic misconduct, the school announced Friday.

Notre Dame said in a statement that there was "evidence that students had submitted papers and homework that had been written for them by others." That evidence was reported to the athletics compliance office on July 29, and an immediate investigation was launched. The NCAA was notified Friday.

The group of players includes KeiVarae Russell, the team's best cornerback, leading returning receiver DaVaris Daniels, and defensive end Ishaq Williams, expected to be a key contributor on the line.

More at the link above.

The Chief Article Remains - In Spite of the Apostate Lutherans

They do not agree about clergy collars,
but all three oppose justification by faith.
Carl Braaten of ELCA agrees with them.

I was reading What Luther Says, II, p. 702ff - about justification. I will copy it here.

The article of justification is the master and prince, the lord, the ruler, and the judge over all kinds of doctrines; it preserves and governs all church doctrine and raises up our conscience before God. Without this article the world is utter death and darkness. No error is so mean, so clumsy, and so outworn as not to be supremely pleasing to human reason and to seduce us if we are without the knowledge and the contemplation of this article.
What Luther Says, ed. Plass, 3 vols, II, p. 703. W 39, 1, 205.

The article on which the Church stands or falls:
We don’t have record of Luther using the exact phrase, but very close: quia isto articulo stante stat Ecclesia, ruente ruit Ecclesia—“Because if this article [of justification] stands, the church stands; if this article collapses, the church collapses.” (WA 40/3.352.3) [Source: Alister McGrath] - The Gospel Coalition

Does Luther always mean justification by faith, never without faith?
John teaches mainly the sublime and chief article of our Christian faith: believing in Christ. Because of this article we are called Christians. Besides this, we do not find many sermons on the Ten Commandments in this Gospel. Rather it is his greatest task to establish well the sublime article of the righteousness of faith and to impress it deeply on the people. For there is no danger when this article remains pure and unadulterated and stands firmly. But when it is overthrown, we are lost and are no better than Jews, heathen, Tartars, and Turks, aye, we are as bad as the papists. For this reason, because he so diligently teaches this chief article, the evangelist John deserves to be highly praised.
What Luther Says, ed. Plass, 3 vols, II, p. 702. W 33, 82. E 57, 298. SL 7, 2252.

Lutherans manage to write volumes about worship while ignoring justification by faith. They get fussy about Holy Communion and the sacraments without articulating the purpose - justification by faith. They publish many volumes about preaching but avoid justification by faith.

Polluted WELS began a discussion about justification by faith versus UOJ, but abandoned the thread.

We do not require Luther to see that the purpose of the Bible is to teach justification by faith in Christ. But it is good that we have as our putative teacher one who understood the entire Bible as a whole. If Luther actually taught the Lutherans today, the results would be different. But they have McGavran, Wagner, Driscoll, Andy Stanley, Craig Groeschel, and the rest as their beloved faculty.

They could rely on the Holy Spirit teaching through the Word, but they have their spreadsheets and metrics. Let them read them.

Past the Tipping Point

I wonder how often people sing the Huss hymn quoted above. The melody is unusually beautiful. When people sing it, they should think of Huss burned at the stake to preserve the truth in the face of corruption. His own clergy condemned and killed him.

Below is the Huss monument in Prague, which was a symbol of freedom during Communism's reign in Czechoslovakia.

People have contacted me recently. Some have new information. Others wonder what is happening in Lutherdom.

When someone posted one of my graphics on Facebook, the demons from WELS Hell began screaming in pain. One person initially asked what my Bethel Bible style picture meant. That was an opportunity for a new series of personal attacks from WELS. That is how they responded when Corky K. criticized Church Growth, when their former seminary president objected to NWC closing. In other words, they use standard slander campaigns which do not spare their own leaders who depart from the Fuller agenda. The trained seals still bark in unison at any threat, as they were trained to do throughout the schooling system.

I was happy to jump in and answer them. Various WELS people have told me about their eyes being opened by this blog. I could add details, but I will leave it at that. I see many indications that the sect has passed the tipping point and will be taking on a new identity, not unlike ELCA and The Episcopalian denominations, which seemed immune to the abuse until they fell apart.

Here are some of the recent WELS reactions, which tell me how badly the Jeske tribe is hurting. They are just like the bullies who sob and run home to mommy when their victims finally stand up to them. I lost track of the drunken tirades emailed to me or phoned in. "Where do you get all your information?" one screamed. I said, "From your own pastors." He howled in rage and slammed the phone down - back before cell phones.

No one reads Ichabod. Yesterday, there were 4,100 views - a new definition of "no one." Live by metrics, die by metrics, WELS Shrinkers. The total views are well past 3 million. If the blog did not matter, as these apostates pray, then the name Ichabod would never come up.
These are just old articles copied from the Net. The all-time list has a Churchmouse article, the Chesterton donkey poem, and a news story about Catholics. But that is one goal, to make people aware of news and other bloggers. The other seven are mine - so where does this fantasy come from (posted in Polluted, anonymousely, of course)?
I make up everything and list no sources. When I received a spreadsheet from WELS headquarters, I did not name my source or copy and paste the Excel tables. I used the material as background, many years ago. As readers know, I copy and paste what I find from bragging websites and link them. I do both because those pages disappear as soon as I quote them. That is how many things from

• Issues in WELS, 
• Cyberbrethren,
• Rogue Lutheran,
• SpenerQuest,
• Church and Change, 
• The CORE, 
• Facebook discussions,
• St. Peter in Freedom, 
• and other sites 

came to be preserved. My idea is - read the documents for yourselves. Make up your own mind.

The rote recitals of the same talking points tell me that these people are parroting what their handlers tell them to think and say. They have read almost nothing, perhaps just enough to build a head of steam. As the Earl of Oxford wrote, "A little pot is soon hot."

Why does Jeff Schone at Martin Luther College know what is on Ichabod? He reads it to find leakers and anyone daring to post a comment. Why do MLC officials hide the list of speakers for their Evangelism Day (Church and Change promotion)? One of their female ministers got dis-invited when her name came out. Don't worry, she will be preaching from the pulpit soon enough.

Nothing changes. Mark-and-Avoid Jeske mistakenly published his preening, bragging websty early - promoting his latest pan-religious venture, which runs the gamut from A to B: Napoleon Hill and metrics. No reaction? District President Jon Buchholz bailed out of the Jeske Mystical Experience immediately, explaining his sudden change of heart to various people who inquired about his state of mind. Is there any character left in his dry, dusty soul? Someone said Buchholz is so hated in his district that a little push from Schroeder would have given them a new, awful DP - possibly even worse than the last two or three. They have a deep bench out there. I laughed at the thought of wolves becoming disloyal to one another.

You are a fanatic about UOJ. I am sick and tired of both sides. Isn't that amusing. A soi-disant believer is nauseated and disgusted by doctrinal discussion! At least they reveal there are two sides instead of saying there really is agreement, a harmony destroyed by the evil Justification by Faith people. The avoidance of the Real Issue continues to amaze me. They write endlessly about worship trivial without addressing the fact that self-described experts like Jay Webber oppose the Gospel. There is no other way to put it. As long as people continue to avoid Justification by Faith as the Chief Article, I will lay that cross on their trembling, weak, shirking, and lazy shoulders.

Your disciples. Your lapdogs. I welcome the insults aimed at me. They are a litmus paper disclosing the caustic nature of the writers. The pious of WELS deny I am a pastor, a Lutheran, a worthwhile person. They say they will crawl through the mud (or through various pubs) to teach the Gospel, perhaps to collect mud to throw at people who alarm them. But - be warned. You Wormtongues are antagonizing your potential allies by denying them intelligence, spiritual discernment, and the ability to think on their own. That is not very persuasive. These alleged disciples see the wreckage caused by the Jeske-Valleskey faction and find no growth, no fruit, no blessings. They may read even more Luther, Melanchthon, and Chemnitz from this point on.

Here is a Martin Luther College student,
consoled by Holy Mother Sect
and a nice, new car from mom and pop.

Are You My Father?

In 1987, a graduate was the spitting image of one DP.
We did not know about Ed Werner in those days.

From Polluted WELS Blog:

 Ben Wink said...

One thing that I'd like to add regarding the DP discussion. I can't speak if this is the case for every graduating class at MLC, I can only report what I witnessed when I graduated.

In the days leading up to Call Day, there was a get together in the cafeteria for all of those that were graduating and the District Presidents. A meal was served and the DPs went around room presumably to meet the graduates.

Certain DPs found their relatives that were graduating and just hung out at their tables. Too many times one heard the phrase start out with "Hey Dad!" or "Hey Grandpa!" or "Hey Uncle!" to attract them to where they were sitting. Other DPs after finding out that they were sitting at the staff ministry table where I was at, got up to leave it and saunter elsewhere because even then some the DPs at that time were dismissive of staff ministers.

Some students were just fawning and brownnosing to an alarming degree. My naive thought was "Why should I suck up to these men that I've never met before?" All in all it just had the effect of a kiss-arse business networking soiree.

There were some that even made sure that the DP knew their last name because it might just be the tipping point to getting that call or not. Again, my naive thinking led to the idea that this type of brownnosing shouldn't influence something like a "divine call". After all, these men never met me before, how could they know enough during a little dinner to effectively divinely call me? There is more to the process, right?

I would be a liar to say that those with last names the same as DPs or those that yelled out "Hey Uncle...!" were deprived of calls. I never bothered to kiss up during that hour long meet and greet, I got a one-year call, and when that year was up...that was the end of my ever getting called.

It has been over ten years now and I've reached the point now that I'm glad I wasn't shameless in front of these strangers in power just to be noticed and remembered. Why should I kiss these men's rings in order to be divinely called? Who do they think they are?

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 Anonymous said...

^^Ben Wink Not much has changed. This year's MLC graduation leads me to question the word divine. The behavior of one pastor and the SP in the graduation video is questionable since it was considered a service. One only has to view the video at the times posted. A divine call or a nomination for a political position? It was last mentioned in a blog response....

Anonymous July 17, 2014 at 9:10 PM
Anonymous said...

This video at 45:50 shows who fits in. Brother called to same congregation. Rev father seems overly impressed, why the whole clan is. How about, 59:09 same location as brother in GJ blogs favorite picture. To hear the audience response is disturbing. And Schroeder's comment.

http://www.mlc-wels.edu/today/features/current/commencement-recap

Breaking News - Half of the WELS Congregations Will Close or Merge in the Next Few Years

Historic St. John Lutheran Church, Milwaukee.
WELS stole the property and the endowment.
It remains closed.

Sources close to the top revealed today that they expect half of the WELS congregations in the State of Wisconsin to merge or close in the next 10 years.

The demographics are obvious. Half of all the WELS lives in the state. Boomers are the ones with the income and the attendance, but they are leaving the congregations with their feet or shoulder high. If they stay, their retirement income is lower.

WELS wants their congregations to emphasize coffee bars
and rock entertainment.

We will not be able to confirm this story until the synod leaders officially deny it.

The WELS Answer Man will explain why their page says:
Frequently Axed Questions.
If you have questions, you do not belong.

Another Cheerful Reader Responds - After Going Bonkers on the WELS Discussions

Pat Loroff Yes, I am an MLC student.  And now that I've told you that, you're going to start ignoring everything I say because of your view that all MLC-educated people are morons, right?

GJ - No, you are proving it. There are good students. They are kicked out or pushed out or give up in disgust.

Pat Loroff There's obviously no way that anyone is ever going to win in an argument with you about these things.  You have a major superiority complex.  You flaunt your own views about doctrinal differences and practices as if they were the only source of true doctrine.  You constantly lie about people and institutions and events that you know nothing about.  You never cite sources for stories on your blog (i.e. MLC closing in the near future).  Even if this isn't your intent, it's the way you come across on your blog.  Many people share my view on this.  I still don't fully understand why you hate the WELS so much, why you lump everything in the WELS together under your banner of apostasy and false doctrine.  I really do pity you, Dr. Jackson.  If all you can do with your life is scour the internet for anything that says anything about or against the WELS, then you must lead a lonely life indeed.

Pat Loroff - Did I give you permission to post this private message on your blog?

GJ - Mine now

Jeff Schone - Pat, please see me in my office. NOW!

When the fashion police call,
you answer.

Jeff Schone dresses better now.
Here he is spending your student loan money on a posh vacation.
He uses his FB account to spy on students.

Kurt Wittmershaus, MLC,
also enjoys Europe on your dime.
Several weeks on the Continent,
20 years of loan repayment for you.

End the Abuse - Please Read These Posts.

Shattered Pulpit

A Look Behind the Closed Door of Lutheran Clergy Sexual Abuse

This is my story of surviving extensive clergy sexual exploitation & sexual abuse at the hands of a long-time WELS Lutheran pastor which ultimately destroyed my faith and soul. My purpose in writing is so people will not only better understand the early warning signs to prevent it, but also the devastating affect that it has on the woman. I will share how it started, progressed, the red flags that everyone missed, why it's so critical to catch early, and how it destroyed me emotionally & spiritually. The specific details, however, that took place, as it escalated, are too painful to reveal especially since many took place inside the church itself.

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Sunday, August 10, 2014

Why I Tell My Story

This is my story of surviving extensive clergy sexual exploitation & sexual abuse at the hands of a long-time WELS Lutheran pastor which ultimately destroyed my faith and soul. My purpose in writing is so people will not only better understand the early warning signs to prevent it, but also the devastating affect that it has on the woman. I will share how it started, progressed, the red flags that everyone missed, why it's so critical to catch early, and how it destroyed me emotionally & spiritually. The specific details, however, that took place, as it escalated, are too painful to reveal especially since many took place inside the church itself.

For years I lived under the lie of this pastor. I dutifully and faithfully kept his secret. By revealing the trauma I endured as a result of that lie, is the only way change will occur for other victims.  I lost years of my life that I can never recover and my shame is indescribable. If just one person had recognized the red flags along the way it would have saved me years of spiritual death.

Hurt, pain and shame should not be the “monsters” a woman faces when she looks to her pastor for counseling. He is a person that the woman has learned to look up to and trust. Someone she believed would never hurt her. Clergy sexual exploitation creates overwhelming stress in victims and because of the risk and anxiety involved, that stress often becomes traumatic.  In any other traumatic event in a person's life, one turns to the church for support but in this situation the church is the last place the woman wants to go for support. Since part of coping with trauma is spiritual, sexual abuse by aspiritual leader further complicates the recovery process.

Pornography was introduced into the scenario early on and I want to show how that escalated with someone he was counseling. To help with why that is so important, I want to begin with some Synod statistics because according to Andrew Ewald’s 2013-04-16 Senior Thesis at Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary, statistics demonstrate a rise in pornography usage among clergy. His recent interview with a WELS district president revealed that 30% of all resignations within his district were cited as “for cause.” Ten percent of those resignations have been directly related to the use of internet pornography. The same district president noted a growing trend of internet pornography usage among WELS clergy. Arizona-California WELS Report of District Presidents COP policy also reports a growing concern about called workers succumbing to the temptation to view pornographic material.

In fact, pastors engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with their parishioners or counsels--is also more prevalent than is commonly supposed in all religions. While most would acknowledge its existence many do not believe it could happen “in my church.” But according to research by Baylor University School’s National Study of “Clergy Sexual Misconduct with Adults”, 7 women in every congregation of 400 adults have been victims of clergy sexual misconduct. The study, which was conducted on more than 3,500 adults, is the largest scientific study into clergy sexual misconduct. The abuse, however, often is seen by parishioners and denominational executives as something else--a problem with alcohol, for example, or an emotional or relationship problem of the pastor or the parishioner, or a parish conflict.

References:

Crafting an Effective Mentoring Program for Pastors Struggling with Internet Pornography in View of Psychology and Scripture
Baylor Sexual Misconduct Survey

Hope of Survivors

Monday, August 11, 2014

Clergy Predators

Clergy predators are incredible manipulators they have their congregants believing they are holy, trustworthy, righteous, upstanding, chosen men of God. They are frequently charming, charismatic, sensitive, talented, and inspirational. Because the real dynamic is power & control, not sex, they are also perceived as having strong leadership. 

Each of those points describes the offending pastor in my situation perfectly as to how he presented himself to others. This is also why it was easy for me to get “sucked in” and not trust my instincts. It never dawned on me that this would happen. I trusted him after all he was my pastor. But in reality everything they do and say is an act. How many times have we heard, "But he is such a good pastor."? They are "good" pastors in the public eye; that is how they can get away with what they do. 

No one will suspect, no one will accuse, no one will believe. The trust does not have to be earned like with a neighbor, co-worker, or friend. The trust is already established because these men are "chosen" men of God. When a pastor acts inappropriately in a culture that doesn’t understand clergy sexual misconduct, it makes observers mistrust their own judgment, particularly since the behavior was committed by a trusted leader. First indicators are thus ignored by church members, leaders, family, friends, and victims. 

I missed all the first indicators myself. I never saw it coming… until it was too late. I thought I must be imagining it because I was upset and not thinking clearly during the counseling sessions. I talked myself out of being concerned; thinking I’m just too distraught and stressed. I told myself… “Don’t be stupid this is your pastor. He’s married with kids why would he do anything like that”… and then I would feel stupid for even thinking it and pushed those thoughts down - telling myself that I had an over-active imagination and therefore ignored all the early signs.

 Congregations are considered -safe places- where normal self-protection is not necessary. Because of this, women share private and intimate information with pastors that they would not share with others. Once he gets to "know" the victim, and sees where the vulnerability is, he may offer his “help” through "counseling." That is why in many cases of clergy sexual abuse, the victim believes she was seeing the clergyman for “counseling.” By doing this, the pastor is able to get his victims alone behind closed doors. Once behind closed doors, the victim is even more vulnerable, even though she may not realize it. 

In my situation, after I told him what was happening at home, he encouraged me to come in for counseling. I started counseling then because I was in an abusive relationship at home and came to him extremely depressed and afraid. I was to the point of taking my kids and running away, I was so afraid. I sought the help of my pastor in a time of crises, and he used my vulnerability and weakness as an opportunity. Now, I find it disturbing for him to have exploited that vulnerability but I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was so emotionally “strung out” from the stress at home that the thought of that happening never entered my mind. I wish it had.

This makes it easy for the manipulative clergy perpetrator to foster a climate of secrets, gossip and an inner circle of friends while convincing others that he is caring and will go out of the way to help others. As a result, this causes members of the congregation to disregard warning signs, because it is hard to believe that the pastor they have come to know and admire would do something so harmful. 

The pastor in my situation had an inner circle of friends consisting primarily of congregational leaders. They had drinks together after meetings, went out to eat, and socialized on their off time. I think that’s why they missed so many “red flags”; after all, this was their “friend” and pastor. They weren’t looking for signs that the pastor they socialized with was exploiting a woman that he was counseling. I’m sure it never even crossed their minds. American culture expects people to be "nice" to one another and give the benefit of the doubt particularly in a congregation.

References: 
Educating to End Abuse
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastor Sexual Abuse
Sharon's Rose: Understanding Clergy Sexual Abuse

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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The First Touch

In most cases the initial contact seems insignificant and there is no fear felt within the victim – hugs, pats on the back, perhaps even an arm around the shoulder. Many times those initial contacts are so subtle the victim doesn't even realize what is happening. I still vividly remember the very first touch. It was a pat on the shoulder and I thought nothing of it. The “pats” got longer and eventually turned into an arm around the shoulder when I was crying in his office during a counseling session. As his moves got bolder, they also increased in frequency. Small incidental touches became more intimate. The thought that he would actually do something inappropriate though was the last thing on my mind, so I convinced myself that I was imagining it and blamed it on depression. There MUST be another explanation… my pastor would never do that. I would feel stupid for even thinking that he would; after all he was a conservative Lutheran pastor and that alone made it impossible for me to even fathom that he would behave like that. WELS is the one of the most conservative Lutheran churches around. It just wasn’t possible that he would do that. There had to be a reasonable explanation…like my mind was going crazy.If you feel uncomfortable, your boundaries are probably being crossed. The first time I felt uncomfortable was very early on in the counseling sessions. I was crying and telling him about a rough physical time with my abusive husband that happened to have taken place during sex. I tried to minimize the sex aspect because I felt awkward talking to him about that. But he spent more time asking about the intimate details of the sexual encounter than providing comfort with God’s Word, which at thattime, I still desperately wanted.The more I tried to gloss over it, the more persistent he became pressuring me for intimate details. I was so uncomfortable. To this day, I still clearly remember feeling like he was getting his thrills on the details and desperately wishing he would provide comfort instead. I tried to end the session as fast as I could because it felt too awkward. I left thinking I would never go back. But then I started second-guessing myself again - especially when things were bad at home - maybe I did imagine it because I was upset. Maybe it wasn’t like I thought. After all this was my pastor, he wouldn’t really do that. My mind was in such a depressed state from life at home, that I found myself thinking that I was uncomfortable because he was a man in general and not because he acted inappropriately. I rationalized everything.Therefore, once again, I blamed it on an over-active imagination, depression, and not thinking clearly. Then things went from bad to worse at home. My kids and I would spend long hours parked in our van at a Target parking lot because I had nowhere to go and was too afraid to go home. We would suck on icicles to quench the hunger because we had no food. I was desperate and afraid so I found myself going back to him because I so desperately needed God’s comfort. Little did I know the magnitude of shame that was about to unfold by making that decision…