More so than anything else, the offending pastor repeatedly told me… “I can't help what I do because I'm a sex addict"… with an empty emotionless look on his face… followed with, “so why even bother trying”. Although, I do think that he also used that to excuse his behavior, as well. As long as he had a reasonable excuse, then it wasn’t his fault. I always rolled my eyes when he said that because I thought it was just making an excuse so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. I never understood what sex addiction was or how strong addictions are.
It wasn’t until I read the article below that I discovered exactly how true his words were. I read the warning signs and now, for the first time, I realize he was telling me the truth hereally was addicted and not only addicted but seriously addicted. It was more than just a mild inconvenience. He had a severe problem.
As I was reading, I kept thinking: “Yes, that’s true and so is that one” and with each point the author made, it hit home more. By the time I finished, I realized that every single point described my situation perfectly… he was a sex addict in every sense. Maybe if I had understood the magnitude of his addiction, it would have been easier to get him help and report it earlier. But I didn’t. I thought he was being irritating and it annoyed me that he kept repeating that same excuse. But maybe that was his cry for help.
Forever Recovery Treatment Facility writes - A lot of people relate sexual addiction with extra marital affairs and prostitution. However, there are other behaviors that can be associated with this type of sexual addiction, like the obsession with pornography, excessive masturbation, engaging in cyber-sex, and repeated visits to night and strip clubs.
This first point immediately hits home because each one of those is true…he was obsessed with pornography, the excessive masturbation, and the cyber-sex. The three they mention right off the bat were some of his biggest issues. I did not personally witness him visiting strip clubs - he did mention that he went during his college days - but that is the extent of my knowledge.
There are several signs that can determine sexual addiction. Here are some of the warning signs that determine this type of addiction:
Extreme Escapism – Sexual addiction is like drugs and alcohol. People drink alcoholic beverages to cope with anxiety and sadness and take drugs to feel good. In the same way, sexual addiction is often used as a coping mechanism. Sexual addicts tend to use sex as a means to avoid stressful events and problems. Some sexual addicts even find relief from boredom, discomfort, anxiety, and depression.
This is also true a million times over. I must have heard this at least a thousand times. He used sex and pornography to escape the stress of work and problems at home. Every time, every single time, that I came in upset during counseling or when I was stressed, his very first words were, “I know what will make you feel better…” That was the only way he knew to deal with stress. When something stressed or troubled him, he turned to sex…. without fail.
Risk Taking – Sex addicts are typically determined to take it to the next level. They often engage in sexual practices that come with more serious effects. These practices may include indulging in unprotected sexual activities with multiple partners or prostitutes. The blatant disregard for the effects of their actions is considered as one of the major symptoms of sexual addiction. Sex addicts are actually fully aware of the risks that are associated with their actions, but they choose to ignore these risks. Sexual addicts do not only jeopardize their well-being, but are also jeopardizing their career, finances, and relationships with other people.
It amazes me just how precise this article is. It’s like the author looked directly at my situation and wrote an article based on it. And true to the article, he lived for the risk and was obsessed with risky behavior; much of which was extreme. It was one thing when he put himself at risk, but I dreaded when he involved me in that risk because it would humiliate me. Alcohol was widely accepted among the leaders; therefore, it was not unusual for “meetings” to take place at a local bar. When I would attend, as part of a group, he would always beeline to the seat next to me; and being a bar, it was dark. Once everyone was drinking, people were less aware, and it was at that point when he would reach over and provocatively rub my leg and thigh under the table. Never mind the fact that many times a congregational leader was sitting directly across from us or that I would be wincing in embarrassment, he was after the thrill the risk gave him. If I pulled away, he would tell me I was over-reacting because no one else can see in the dark. I tried not attending those meetings but then everyone else pressured me calling me “anti-social” for not wanting to go. I felt complete dread as I was pressured into attending. If I showed hesitation, he would turn to the others and say, “Tell her she has to come”. That would intimidate me because I didn’t want to cause a scene, therefore, I would relent and go. It would be even worse if I tried to leave early because no one else would be ready to leave that fast. He would excuse himself and follow me out to my car but that stressed me more yet because then I was in a dark parking lot alone with him after he had been drinking. Therefore, I did the next best thing and perfected the fine art of faking sickness as an excuse not to even go at all. It was partly true because the stress of the public humiliation made me want to throw up. My entire life was one big lie anyway in covering everything up so what was one more lie.
Loss of Control – Most sexual addicts tend to lose control over the act. They may feel a temporary euphoria while doing the act; this never really provides them with what they are looking for. Their problem remains unsolved, and they will not be able to relax. Moreover, some of the feelings of discomfort will increase. Basically, when this happens, sexual addicts indulge some more until the time that they actually lose the capability to reasonably fight off the sexual urges.
This is true because by the time it got to where the addiction was controlling his every move; he didn’t even bother trying to fight it off. Rather he embraced it and wanted more. That’s when the escalation really took off because his guilt was gone.
Escalating Problem – Sexual addiction is also considered an escalating problem. This does not stop at the time that the behavior becomes a bad habit to break. Sexual addicts are inclined to amplify the intensity, as well as the frequency of the activity that they engage in. For instance, those people who gravitate towards soliciting sex are likely to do the act more often. Those people who have multiple affairs will likely look for more sexual patterns. Basically, this upward spiral will happen during the first year of sexual addiction, and this will eventually plateau. During the plateau stage, the behavior will still continue but the intensity, frequency, and scope of the behavior will be maintained at a specific level.
This was also very true from day one until the very end. It was continually escalating. Everything escalated. The pornography escalated. The physical escalated. The risks escalated. The stress escalated. There were a few plateaus along the way, but they never lasted long. He would reach a level and say, “nothing will happen past this level; this is all the further it will go”. But soon enough he would get bored with that level when the “excitement” was gone and he would be wanting more. He was always on the prowl for what thrilled him.
Recurring Behavior – The need to engage in sex becomes never ending and the behavior becomes repetitive. Typically, health care providers consider the occurrence from six months to one year. If the same issue persists within the period, the typical diagnosis would lean towards sexual addiction.
Skewed Perspective – Once the sexual addiction cycle starts, everything can actually go downhill. During this phase, new problems will be created. Moreover, additional factors that cause anxiety and distress will appear. In fact, additional unpleasant feelings like guilt, isolation, and shame will arise. There will be emptiness and misery. However, sex addicts will not be able to see it this way. They will consider the situation as an indication that their current behaviors and actions are not as effective as it was before. They will decide instead to do more of the act for the purpose of bringing back the false sense of fulfillment and euphoria.
I can’t even add to that paragraph because it hit the nail on the head down to the very last word. It’s like the author of this article looked into my heart and wrote what he saw.
Preoccupation – Sexual addicts are preoccupied with sex. They are consumed by the thoughts of sex. These people waste excessive time in playing out sexual fantasies in their minds. They deliberate on past experiences and plan new and more complex ways on how to indulge themselves in the act.
Yet again, this is true more than I can ever say. Every word is dead on in accuracy. It was impossible to have even a simple conversation that didn’t turn to explicit sexual talk. The electronic messages that I received from him were full of “fantasies”. I remember one time when I was in the hospital and he came to visit, which I will never allow a pastor to do again; I would rather die alone. He didn’t even bring a bible with him, but instead stood close to the hospital bed; caressed my thigh, and said “I know what will make you feel better”. I was beyond humiliated because it was a public place; what if my family walked in and saw him. I was connected to an IV in a thin hospital gown so I couldn’t go anywhere. I was frozen in panic. Hoping it would be over fast. I remember being surprised that he couldn’t tell how stiff I was from tensing up so much. Instances like this are exactly whymy faith is dead now. I was recovering from surgery and worried but instead of comfort, he had to physically caress me saying… “I know how to make you feel better”. I hate those words now. I hate them with a passion. If a pastor ever said those to me again, any pastor, I would probably have a panic attack right there. It did not make me feel better. It made me feel worse. It made me hate pastors because if that was the kind of comfort pastors offered, then I wanted none of that. I was afraid and looking for real comfort. This killed my soul in every sense. I remember every detail like it happened an hour ago. That’s how much this all affected me. That’s how much this destroyed me.
Failure to Stop – Sexual addicts will reach a point where they actually realize the mess that they are stuck in. Most sexual addicts are stuck. Some try to stop or even reduce the compulsion, but they will fail. The intention to stop is real, but the effort comes up short. Thus, sexual addicts fail to stop.
I feel like a broken record because this one also is SO true. In the very beginning he would feel bad and beg and plead for me to forgive him for what happened. He would say that he didn’t mean it, that it just “happened”. But as time went by, that part was less and less. Over time, as his guilt melted away, so did his pleading for me to forgive him. The less guilt he had the more of the physical he wanted. After awhile he didn’t even say he was sorry anymore. But rather he would say that he regretted that it wasn’t “more”. It was like watching someone’s heart harden before your eyes. That’s what it literally felt like. I knew his heart was hardening as each day passed because he no longer had guilt and no longer asked for my forgiveness after each incident. When he stopped asking for my forgiveness altogether and just embraced it, was the day his heart went completely hard.
I gave my “safe” pastor page after page of screen shots of the offending pastor’s messages that contain much of what I write about in these posts so he could have it for documentation purposes. I went back and read them again while I was writing this. What I have written in this blog thus far is mild compared to the screen shots, and my point for saying that being, after reading this article now, and looking at the content of all those messages; there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, of the tremendous addiction he had. It was so extreme, that I have thousands of explicit messages from him and that’s in addition to everything physical that happened.
I am sharing that because this is the best way for people to truly understand themagnitude of his addiction. It consumed his life and destroyed not only me, but him, as well. I know for a fact that he’s not a happy person. I don’t know who cries more now – me or him.
It all started with a simple photo of a beautiful woman in a sexy outfit… and, when that problem was ignored, it became my story of hopelessness.
One seemingly harmless photo…. snowballed into spiritual death…
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GJ - We are supposed to think no one on the WELS parish staff knew?
SP Schroeder had a repeat offender next door to him at the Love Shack, and claimed - "We didn't know!" even though Hochmuth was already known as a heinous offender. After a heavy dose of OUJ from Schroeder, Hochmuth offended again - repeatedly.
Christian Worship editor Iver Johnson (ELS) carried on an affair for 10 years - at church - and dumped his wife of 50 years. No one knew? Good old Iver married his mistress, and his first wife decided against attended Iver's little-lamented funeral.
Interested laity should join up with Lillian Armstrong and support her. They should join SNAP and form their own chapter.
